You Thought Your Job Was Stressful

Oftentimes, we look at the amount of stress our own jobs place on us, and we feel a little overwhelmed, but I now realize that I have it easy. One person in the world that almost certainly has a more stressful job than I? The Pope. Imagine being put in charge of just over 1 Billion people. He is the most powerful boss in the world, and is expected to keep track of everyone, all without looking like a complete jerk. Not easy if you ask me.

If being the Prince of the Apostles and the Vicar of Christ isn't enough pressure to deal with, try being the infallible when it comes to questions of religion and morals. Getting a little hot under the mitre are you? It isn't easy being nearly perfect, and just imagine, if the Catholics screw up under your watch, who do you think God will be coming after.

But I suppose being the Pope isn't all bad. After, since Catholic doctrine says that the Roman Church is above all other churches, you would be the leader of the number one church in the world. On top of that, you have your own city, which is possibly the coolest thing I have ever heard of.

But if you have decided that you would some day like to be Pope, not so fast. The office is gained only through election by God. Well, either that or a group of high ranking Bishops, whichever is easier to get ahold of (God is very busy, especially on weekends). However, if this doesn't really suit you, with enough money you can always buy the position (see the Borgia family), or father illegitimate children (see Pope Paul III, Pope Alexander VI, Pope Pius IV...). But don't let this stop you, and if you are fortunate enough to become Pope, remember this advice: Nothing tells people who question your authority to shut the hell up like a leather-bound copy of the Dogmatic Constitution.

Mexico Struggles With Immigrant Problems

While the immigration issue in this the horrible, unaccepting United States of ours generally gets all the attention, Mexico has its own problems. In fact, Mexico has had to institute tough anti-immigration laws in order to keep the situation under control. It is easy to see how immigration could be such a problem for a country with a net migration rate of -4.32 (CIA Factbook), but many fear things have gone too far.

Foreign born people in Mexico make up roughly half a percent, that's right .5% of the population, while in the USA the figure is around 13%. These foreigners in Mexico are not allowed to hold public office, are unable to vote, and can be permanently deported for the crime of "getting involved in politics", a crime that ranges from helping a political campaign to becoming the Governor of California.

But it is no real surprise that the Mexican people distrust Americans, with our hippies, steroids, and shoes with heels that light up. But, who wouldn't want to go to a country where the water causes irritable bowel syndrome, and the citizens sneak into the bordering country to pick fruit, fillet fish, and dig holes?

Most people agree the US is overdue for immigration reform, and perhaps we should let Mexico be our guide. First, we would have to remove Arnold Schwarzenegger from office and castrate him with a sewing needle. Next we would have to place keen eyed citizens outside all the government buildings, in order to stop would be government affectors. Lastly, we would appoint large, burly athletes who routinely use steroids to guard the border. That way they could, kick, throw, or hurl immigrants back into their own country. After all, if it's good enough for Mexico, it's good enough for...wait a minute, what the hell am I saying.

So go, enjoy Mexico and their gladiator like immigration obstacles. Trust me, the language in which they sing the National Anthem will be the least of your worries.

Water-Tight Case Against Natural Selection

When you think of fish, you might think of an animal with a small brain that feeds only on instinct, and this is exactly where Darwin's theory of natural selection falls apart. If his theory was correct, this type of fish should have died out by now. How many fish are caught each year using a dead worm on the end of a thin piece of string. This form of stupidity should no longer exist after millions of years. At what point do fish realize that a worm hanging in an awkward position, squirming or dead, generally has a hook in the end of it. Did worms hang out in the water practicing their advanced yoga position at one time? I think not.

It seems pretty clear now that natural selection is a foolish theory proposed only by godless people like Charles Darwin. The work of the Devil, if I might say so myself. I mean, it is unthinkable that humans could have anything in common at all with fish. Even if, on the of chance that we happened to be an ancestor of the fish, surely none of this idiotic behavior carried over.
Obviously, we have nothing in common with these barbaric, dim-witted, water-dwelling animals.

Depressed Muslims Targeted As Potential Suicide Bombers

It is quickly becoming harder and harder for extremist Muslim groups to find happy young men willing to be involved in suicide bombing. For that reason, many terrorist groups have begun searching for men with a bleaker perspective, hoping they would be more receptive to the idea of blowing themselves up in a crowded area. According to a recent gallup poll, many suicidal people felt that suicide bombing was a great way to "go out with a bang", and over 50% said that they felt that they would be more likely to be remembered after a suicide bombing as opposed to more "mundane" forms of self-destruction.

Much of the concern has come in recent times, when many Muslims with otherwise impecable suicide credentials seem to be interested in other things. In a statement released late Saturday evening, a spokesman wrote: "Many potential candidates seem to be less than overjoyed at the prospect of becoming martyrs. Instead they say that they feel a desire to 'raise a family', or, 'better themselves'. Some even said that they didn't believe women should have to be fully veiled every time they leave their house." He then added, "Just kidding about that last part."

One of the other disputes has been over the question of the 72 virgins that each Muslim is to receive upon their arrival in heaven. Many young men have expressed concern about the state of these women. One man had this to say: "Honestly, I'm not sure it is such a good thing after all, I mean, if they are still virgins now, how attractive could they really be. I don't want to end up staring at a 6 dozen Roseanne's after I kill myself."

While many remain hopeful, some say that modern Muslims may be too optimistic about life to remain fully dedicated to the Jihad. "It is unbelievable how few people are willing to put their lives on the line for just one day" said one respondant to the poll. "It is just pure selfishness."

Bumper Stickers That Say More Than You May Think

Oftentimes, people see fit to use their cars as a billboard, and there are certainly no shortage of people willing to come up with inane expressions for people to load up on at $1.50 each. Like adhesive cocaine, people will put their beliefs, ideals, and laundry detergent on their bumpers for everyone to see, and here are a few that caught my eye.
Someone slaps a sticker on their 1990 Toyota Tercel that they got free on earth day from a group of pot-smoking hippies and all of a sudden they are a humanitarian. It only takes a quick glace in the window to realize that this person has little to no knowledge of Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, or even Tibet in general, but knowledge be damned, they will fight tyranny wherever they hear it exists. But keep fighting the good fight, because you, average joe, are kicking some Chinese ass, one sticker at a time.

It is a rare thing to have a thing this simple be able to so eloquently convey such a cocky message. There is no other sticker that says quite as well: I'm an egotistical jackass who happens to know how to play a guitar. Although a catchy tune may seem like a viable solution to all the violence in the world, it occurs to me that it didn't work too well for the Revolutionary War buglers. The buglers are also a shining example of what happens to people who spend all their time in the music room: they end up in the middle of the battlefield with nothing but a wind instrument for self-defense.

This is usually used as a sign on the side of school vans, but is also reported to be seen on the minivans of stuck-up parents of home-schooled children. This last sticker I find personally offensive. What the hell could I possibly be doing to the other cars on the road, that I need to be informed that this one is carrying children. Perhaps some people are thinking, "hmm, this van has children in it, perhaps I should refrain from mooning and/or lobbing a hand grenade through the window. Apparently there are people who I am unaware of who routinely misbehave so badly behind the wheel that they must be reminded of the presence of small children from time to time.