Vote On The Seven New Wonders Of The World!

With all but one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World remaining, Swiss adventurer Bernard Weber has decided that it is time for the public to choose new ones. The only remaining original Wonder is the Great Pyramids of Giza, which is considered the best of the originals by many people with nothing better to do. The pyramids are among the final twenty-one nominees, but it remains to be seen whether or not they will stay on top.

Along with the pyramids, you can vote for the Great Wall of China, the Christ Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, and the Eiffel Tower in France. I have a feeling that the Eiffel Tower is getting its ass kicked. Bill O'Reilly and I have gotten together to urge Americans not to vote for this landmark. The French have failed to support us time and time again, and now we will show them what we think of it. We figure that with all of his viewers and both of mine, we could really send a message to those cowards. In fact, I've just decided to start writing eiffel tower, rather than 'Eiffel Tower'. That's right, it's no longer a proper noun. Take that France!

Instead, we urge you to vote for the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the French to the United States meant to celebrate its dominance over the rest of the world. And even then the French were unable to get the Statue here on time.

I would also like to announce that my nomination for a Wonder of the World was denied. I consider it a sad day for the world when the Plastic Lawn Flamingo (note the propoer noun) isn't considered a finalist in a Wonders of the World competition. First they stop production, and now they reject it as Wonder material. I fear that the Apocalypse may be upon us.

Rapist Sentenced To Be Slapped

A deaf and mute woman was raped earlier this week while returning from work in the village of Rampur, India. The village is about 205 miles northwest of Lucknow. That's right, a town called Lucknow is the only point of reference within 205 miles.

Police refused to arrest the man responsible, saying that because the woman was unable to talk, she could not narrate the incident. A spokesperson also added, "we can't be expected to bother with every little charge of sexual assault and battery, and if you think we are going to stand around watching some lowly woman do sign language, you've got another thing coming."

Because of the apathy of the authorities, the village court held a trial, and sentenced the man to be slapped publicly 51 times. This controversial landmark ruling has replaced the previous precedent of doing nothing. Many people feel that this is truly a step in the right direction for women's equality in India.

If you wonder where the figure of 51 slaps came from, it is actually an ancient Indian tradition, dating back almost 2,500 years. Alright, I made that up, it is actually an arbitrary number chosen by tribal leaders who had been into the ceremonial rum a little too early.

The man was also fined by the tribe in the amount of $110. While that may not sound like much for the brutal rape of a woman who can neither hear nor speak, to be fair, in Indian rupees, the sum is equivalent to about $1,450,293 dollars, or half the gross domestic product of India.

Christopher Reeve's Children To Continue Mission

Two of the late Christopher Reeve's children will serve on the board of his Foundation, continuing their father's mission: making as many terrible movies as possible. In a statement released earlier this week, the children said that it saddened them to see their father never reach his goal of becoming the first actor ever to make 15 straight-to-video movies in a row, and they wouldn't rest until that goal had been completed. "He left some unfinished business", said Matthew Reeve, "before he died, he was talking about making a sequel to Gigli, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to see that through."

This sentiment was shared by Reeve's dauther, Alexandra, who plans to star in the upcoming film 'Baked', which is subtitled, 'The rise and fall of the potato gun'. She will play the role of the inventor's daughter. The tear-jerking plot is wrought with emotion and centers around the struggles of a girl who had to grow up as the daughter of a guy who invented something that shoots a potato. It is set to be released in early 2007, with the occasion being marked by a cast party and private screening in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.

In other news, Matthew and Alexandra have also announced their intentions to continue the paralysis research funded and started by their father. Said Alexandra, "Our dad's accident really did connect us to this community: 4 million people in the U.S. who are suffering from paralysis." She then added, "Before our dad, we would often taunt the paralyzed people, tossing change at them and poking them in the legs when they weren't looking, you know, just to make sure they weren't faking it."

Baywatch Cast Reunites!

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff were among a group of other television stars that you haven't heard from since 2001, celebrating the release of DVD box sets of the first two seasons of 'Baywatch'. The show began in 1989, and was cancelled after the first season because the ratings were low, people hated it, and it was just plain painful to watch. David Hasselhoff, who plays the part of Mitch Buchannon, and I like even less than Pat Buchannan, revived the show in 1991, where it got huge international acclaim, proving conclusively that the United States is the smartest nation in the world, if only by default.

David Hasselhoff became famous by starring in the series, 'Knight Rider'. If you haven't heard of it, it's probably because it sucked as well. In that series, Hasselhoff played a cop who was nearly killed by a gunshot wound to the head, only to be saved by a metal plate that had been implanted in his cranium. Never in my life have I so loathed the word 'nearly'.

Pamela Anderson signed on to Baywatch in the second season, years before her vagina got too large to fit into a normal sized swimsuit. This show began her breasts' rise to stardom, a rise that concluded when she had them removed, citing the fact that they were now more famous than she was.

Although Baywatch was truly a sad decade for America, I have a plan that will allow the Baywatch actors to redeem themselves (although Hasselhoff may be too far gone at this point). I suggest running episodes of Baywatch at suspected terrorist interrogations. One hour of this, and most will be begging us to let them leak valuable information about their groups. The videos might also make for a quick end to hostage stand-offs, bringing an end to a domestic problem that has plagued us for all too long.

It is unsure how many copies of the DVDs will be sold, but one thing is certain, doctors will be seeing an increase in brain aneurisms this Christmas season.