Huckabee Wants To Up-End, Er, Amend The Constitution

Mike Huckabee has been the darling of many conservatives, particularly those who consider themselves evangelicals. With his eloquence and ability to seemingly escape any tough question looking even better than before, it seemed Huckabee could do no wrong. However, even he may have crossed the line with the comment he made a couple of days ago.



That's right, he wants to amend the Constitution to fit "God's Law". Let's put aside for a moment that people in the United States happen to have a few different views of what God's Law is, or the fact that the Constitution was never meant to conform to "God's Law". Where does that leave us? It leaves a candidate whose blatant desire to inject his views on religion into the life of every American would make James Madison cringe.

But maybe Mike Huckabee is right. I've always thought the Bible was right on in its condemnation of animal sodomy. On the other hand, this is an area where the Constitution has always been a bit soft. Or how about that whole freedom of religion thing? That was for a bunch of pansies back in the 1790's who didn't know what was truly God's Law. Luckily, we can elect Mike Huckabee, who knows exactly what it entails. There is no reason to allow people to attend Mosques, or Synagogues, or worship how they choose, for goodness sakes, it's right in the Bible! How did we miss it for so long?

The only real question to ask is: why is this candidate still in the race? Even if he were to somehow gain the Republican nomination, this will be played as an attack ad so often that even God will be against him by the end of the race. Although I had never gone this far before, I will say it now: Mike Huckabee will never be President. Not after that comment. Nor, I dare say, should he.

In one fell swoop, Mike Huckabee took the Constitution; the Supreme Law of the Land; the one document that guarantees every American the right to life, liberty, and property, and turned it into "some contemporary view of how we treat each other". In that thirty second sound bite, Mike Huckabee mocked and spit on everything that our nation stands for. Not only would Mike Huckabee change the Rule of Law, but he would change it in such a way that would force everyone to conform to his view of God's Law. Viva Le Fascismo!

Finally, We Can Ignore Iowa For Another Four Years

Well, the Iowa caucuses are finally over, and that can only mean one thing...we can all stop caring about Iowa. In fact, our fascination with Iowa has more to do with their refusal to join the majority of the nation in voting like normal people than anything else. Instead, they choose to gather in a small middle school cafeteria, as our forefathers did. The throngs then gather themselves together based on candidate preference, if they are Democrats, or choose their candidate on paper, if they are Republican. Basically, the Iowa caucuses are a bunch of white people gathered together in a strange smelling room where the chairs are bolted to the tables, or as it is known elsewhere, bingo night.

It is unreasonable to expect much more from Iowa, however, considering they gave us Herbert Hoover, who destroyed American's faith in humanity by bringing us the Depression, and Ashton Kutcher, who ruined American's faith in humanity by bringing us Punk'd. Luckily, now that the candidates are moving east, Iowa's enormous failings as a state will be again be swept under the rug. On another note, the state will finally be able to remove that stop sign they put in to control all the traffic.

Perhaps the best thing for the U.S. to do is to launch a pre-emptive strike against Iowa. In fact, I think it could be the new President's first action. To help him out, I have drawn up a little map for him. That ought to bring those pesky Iowans back in line. Just think about all the good we could do in that area. The United States could help to rebuild their infrastructure, and bring their economy into the 21st century. We could even teach them to vote, like Americans, and bring democracy to that part of the world. We would be greeted as liberators.

We'd probably also have to give Iowa a professional athletic team to represent them, if we really wanted to grant the area full statehood. Perhaps they could field an NFL expansion team. The nickname, of course, would have to be one that Iowans can relate to, based on something they are familiar with. Perhaps a popular corn growing state game...ah, I've got it.