The World As I See It.

Living Up To A Promise: Some Thoughts On The Election

2008-11-05T00:25:00.006-05:00

I wasn't going to write anything on the results of this election, as I suspect that just about everyone with access to a computer, a pen, a piece of paper, or even a scrap of tree bark and a sliver of charcoal will have something to say. There will be blogging, text messages, and Youtube comments to add to the newspaper articles and television newscasts. However, as I was watching Barack Obama give his victory speech, I felt compelled to write down my own thoughts on this historic day.

I honestly hadn't thought a whole lot about the racial factor of this election. I had seen Barack Obama as a qualified, thoughtful, well-balanced, intelligent candidate who wanted to lead the United States as best he could, and several weeks ago he earned my vote. But, as I watched the video from Grant Park in Chicago, something struck me. As the camera panned over the crowd, I saw that the vast majority of African-Americans had tears in their eyes (and yes, some attendees of other races as well). That was when the gravity of this election hit me. We are not just electing another well-qualified President. For many people, particularly African-Americans, it means far more than that.

We live in the United States of America, a country where the Constitution says that everyone is guarenteed equal protection of the laws, and everyone has a right to liberty. We wrote a Declaration of Independence that says that everyone is created equal, and each and every one of us has a right to be free.

Yet, for much of our history, and in many ways to this day, we have failed to live up to these creeds. We write that each person is equal under the law, and then execute three times more minority citizens than white citizens. We write that all men are created equal, and then pass laws guarenteeing that they are not. We write that everyone has a right to be free, and then we keep others in chains. Yes, We the People have often fallen short of our obligation to live up to our promises to one another, but if this election can teach us anything, it is that it doesn't have to be this way.

We the People have the ability to get up each day and face the world with the promise to mold it into what we desire it to be. We can envision an America in which the laws protect everyone; in which full equality is realized, and then we can make it happen.

As I watched those pictures of African-Americans weeping as the election returns became certain, I realized something. For perhaps the first time in their lives, there are parents who can look at their children - look them right in the eye - and say honestly, that if you work hard, if you persevere, if you believe in yourself and your fellow people, you can become whatever you want to be in the United States of America.

For most of our history, we have promised that each person is created equal; that each person is born with liberty; that each person deserves to be free from violence and discrimination. And, for most of our history, we have failed to fully realize these promises. Today, and each day in the future, it is up to us to make sure that these promises are fulfilled, that they are not idle phrases penned hundreds of years ago, but living committments that we carry forward with each passing generation.

President Obama has my good will. I sincerely hope that he will be a great 44th President of the United States of America.

John McCain: Too Young, Too Old, or Just Right?

2008-05-30T19:16:00.006-04:00

This Presidential election is perhaps one of the most unique and exciting in history. Never before have the media had so many superficial and shallow stereotypes on which to report for hours, days, and indeed weeks on end. Usually, Americans know exactly what to expect, rich white guy, nice head of hair, penchant for fine cheeses, you get the idea. This year, however, people will be able to look at the debate stage and say things like "hey, it's a black guy," or, "look, a woman with a haircut that looks like it belongs on one of those guys in Full House," and, of course "Oh my God! Is that a walking corpse!"

It is no secret that John McCain is old, decrepit, riddled with physical maladies, and aside from that, healthy as an ox. However, John McCain is most certainly not too old to run for President, in fact, he is far from even being the oldest person in the Senate. He is only the 24th oldest Senator, with the youngest being the spry John Sununu of New Hampshire, at the tender age of 38. For a little comparison, I've decided to run down a few of the oldest members of Congress in order to make my case.

Ralph Hall - Representative-TX (R)

Representative Hall is the oldest member of the House at the age of 85. He was a Democrat from his election in 1981 to 2004, but then switched parties. He is also perhaps the only person who actually joined the Republican Party since then. Although it is still only a rumor, claims have been circulating for years that Mr. Hall is, in fact, immortal, and is attempting to prove it with this change of party, along with his survival after his ties with infamous lobbyist Jack Abramhoff surfaced in 2006. After all his years of service, Hall finally earned a coveted spot as the ranking member on the
House Science Committee, an accomplishment that includes his participation in the piece of legislation known as the America Creating Opportunities to Meaningfully Promote Excellence in Technology, Education, and Science Act, whatever the hell that means. He is 14 years older than John McCain, but claims to be at least 10 years younger looking in the neck.

Frank Lautenberg - Senator-NJ (D)

At 84 years of age, Lautenberg is 13 years John McCain's senior, and acts like it. In the year of our Lord, 2006 Lautenberg displayed the type of logic that would make nursing home bound old men proud when he said of the Dubai Ports deal, "We wouldn't transfer the title to the Devil; we're not going to transfer it to Dubai." When pressed on this, he defended himself by remarking that the UAE had not supported U.S. policies toward Iran and Israel. Policies which, as I'm sure most are well aware, Satan was highly critical of. Lautenberg is currently running for reelection in New Jersey, and if he succeeds, he would be 91 by the time his next term expires. When asked if he was too old to run again, Lautenberg quipped "Just ask my wife..." I'm not sure how that sentence finishes, but, at least on the part of the interviewer, I assume it is with vomiting.

Robert Byrd - Senator-WV (D)

No list of shockingly old public servants would be complete without the Archbishop of Agedness, Robert Byrd. He is 90 years old, and born in 1917. No, that isn't a typo, Byrd was born during World War I. About the only title he didn't have a chance to hold was Holy Roman Emperor, but most have agreed he more than made up for that when he became the "Exalted Cyclops" of his local Klan unit, a position that lies just above the "Elevated Chupacabra" in the Klan's mythological creature hierarchy of leadership. Luckily, Byrd has told us that his Klan didn't engage in or preach violence. Instead, it is assumed they spent most of their time doing charity work at local orphanages. His love for non-violent racism may have led to the statement he made in 1945, saying that he would never fight in battle "with a Negro by my side. Rather I should die a thousand times, and see old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels." However, to be fair, his ideas on race seem to have changed some by 2001, when he said "There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word. We just need to work together to make our country a better country, and I'd just as soon quit talking about it so much." I suppose no one thought it right to tell Mr. Byrd that one way to quit talking about it so much is to refrain from using racial slurs that happen to be quite offensive to large portions of the population.

So, as I think you can clearly see, John McCain is practically too young to run for President. Old people tend to show signs of racism, jingoism, and fatigue. McCain, however, exhibits none of those traits. That is, unless you count the time he said that he "hated the gooks" and would hate them as long as he lives. Or perhaps the time he insisted upon occupying Iraq with U.S. military forces for decades to come, or that time he changed the Beach Boys lyrics to "bomb Iran." Hey, at least he hasn't fallen asleep during one of the debates yet!

Never mind. Don't ask questions, just vote for John McCain. And get off my porch!!

Halftime Show Wardrobe Malfunction?

2008-02-04T10:32:00.000-05:00

Despite my anguish over the New England Patriots losing the Super Bowl last night, I did notice that there was some interesting imagery during the halftime show. Call it a "wardrobe malfunction."

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers put on a good show, but I think Fox may be a little more careful about allowing bands to use outlines of their "instruments" during future performances.

Huckabee Wants To Up-End, Er, Amend The Constitution

2008-01-17T20:43:00.000-05:00

Mike Huckabee has been the darling of many conservatives, particularly those who consider themselves evangelicals. With his eloquence and ability to seemingly escape any tough question looking even better than before, it seemed Huckabee could do no wrong. However, even he may have crossed the line with the comment he made a couple of days ago.

That's right, he wants to amend the Constitution to fit "God's Law". Let's put aside for a moment that people in the United States happen to have a few different views of what God's Law is, or the fact that the Constitution was never meant to conform to "God's Law". Where does that leave us? It leaves a candidate whose blatant desire to inject his views on religion into the life of every American would make James Madison cringe.

But maybe Mike Huckabee is right. I've always thought the Bible was right on in its condemnation of animal sodomy. On the other hand, this is an area where the Constitution has always been a bit soft. Or how about that whole freedom of religion thing? That was for a bunch of pansies back in the 1790's who didn't know what was truly God's Law. Luckily, we can elect Mike Huckabee, who knows exactly what it entails. There is no reason to allow people to attend Mosques, or Synagogues, or worship how they choose, for goodness sakes, it's right in the Bible! How did we miss it for so long?

The only real question to ask is: why is this candidate still in the race? Even if he were to somehow gain the Republican nomination, this will be played as an attack ad so often that even God will be against him by the end of the race. Although I had never gone this far before, I will say it now: Mike Huckabee will never be President. Not after that comment. Nor, I dare say, should he.

In one fell swoop, Mike Huckabee took the Constitution; the Supreme Law of the Land; the one document that guarantees every American the right to life, liberty, and property, and turned it into "some contemporary view of how we treat each other". In that thirty second sound bite, Mike Huckabee mocked and spit on everything that our nation stands for. Not only would Mike Huckabee change the Rule of Law, but he would change it in such a way that would force everyone to conform to his view of God's Law. Viva Le Fascismo!

Finally, We Can Ignore Iowa For Another Four Years

2008-01-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well, the Iowa caucuses are finally over, and that can only mean one thing...we can all stop caring about Iowa. In fact, our fascination with Iowa has more to do with their refusal to join the majority of the nation in voting like normal people than anything else. Instead, they choose to gather in a small middle school cafeteria, as our forefathers did. The throngs then gather themselves together based on candidate preference, if they are Democrats, or choose their candidate on paper, if they are Republican. Basically, the Iowa caucuses are a bunch of white people gathered together in a strange smelling room where the chairs are bolted to the tables, or as it is known elsewhere, bingo night.

It is unreasonable to expect much more from Iowa, however, considering they gave us Herbert Hoover, who destroyed American's faith in humanity by bringing us the Depression, and Ashton Kutcher, who ruined American's faith in humanity by bringing us Punk'd. Luckily, now that the candidates are moving east, Iowa's enormous failings as a state will be again be swept under the rug. On another note, the state will finally be able to remove that stop sign they put in to control all the traffic.

Perhaps the best thing for the U.S. to do is to launch a pre-emptive strike against Iowa. In fact, I think it could be the new President's first action. To help him out, I have drawn up a little map for him. That ought to bring those pesky Iowans back in line. Just think about all the good we could do in that area. The United States could help to rebuild their infrastructure, and bring their economy into the 21st century. We could even teach them to vote, like Americans, and bring democracy to that part of the world. We would be greeted as liberators.

We'd probably also have to give Iowa a professional athletic team to represent them, if we really wanted to grant the area full statehood. Perhaps they could field an NFL expansion team. The nickname, of course, would have to be one that Iowans can relate to, based on something they are familiar with. Perhaps a popular corn growing state game...ah, I've got it.

Ron Paul Or David Horowitz, Who Is Fascist-ier?

2007-12-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

On the Glenn Beck program, David Horowitz had some choice words for Ron Paul and his supporters. As someone who considers themselves a Libertarian, I found it particularly ridiculous and factually incorrect. I decided to do a side-by-side comparison to find out which is truly more fascist, Ron Paul, David Horowitz, or a can of peas.

Now for the comparison.

As you can clearly see from this unbiased comparison, Ron Paul is significantly less of a fascist that David Horowitz, and slightly less fascist than a can of peas. So have no fear, you don't have to worry about Ron Paul sleeping with Islamo-Fascists in the White House.

Michelle Malkin Is A Fascist

2007-12-07T17:26:00.000-05:00

Oh, like you didn't already know.

It seems to me that the people who often speak so loudly for the First Amendment every time someone comes after them for criticizing gays/religion/Democrats are also the ones who work so hard to censor criticism of themselves. I was reading Michelle Malkin's website today, because I hadn't been thoroughly pissed off yet today, and I found in the comments that the vast majority of her registered readers seemed to agree with her. I knew that even the small subset of people who actually take the time to register on michellemalkin.com couldn't be that stupid, so I thought I'd do some digging.

I searched through the site to find out how I could register, and upon reading the terms of use, found out that she was no longer allowing any more new people to post comments. I also found her policy on "letting comments stand" (Oh please Michelle, let my comment stand! Have mercy on my humble opinion, even though it is not worthy of the pixels it uses to be near your heavenly ideas.).

It turns out, although Michelle Malkin may let your comment stay if she "disagrees with you" (how generous of her) she reserves the right to delete posts that are "off-topic, libelous, defamatory, abusive, harassing, threatening, profane (take a breath), pornographic, offensive, false, misleading, or which otherwise violates or encourages others to violate these terms of use or any law, including intellectual property laws (isn't it a stretch to call what Michelle Malkin writes intellectual?). Michelle Malkin is a fascist who may or may not be a man, and often mutilates chickens for sexual pleasure. How is that for false and misleading?

To really crystallize the picture of the type of people Michelle Malkin does allow on her site, I will repost here a few snippets from comments left on her last post: The CIA destroyed interrogation videos, what the Dems knew and when.

The first one was posted after someone justified harsh interrogation methods by saying "Sitting around a campfire in our pajamas singing songs and holding hands won’t get it done." The response:

The campfire would work if the guest of honor was tied to a stake in the middle of it.

Suggesting that we burn captives at the stake? Interesting tactic, albeit perhaps a little abusive and threatening.

I note that the CIA destroyed the tapes exactly because they knew that if a liberal saw the tapes and they showed anything other than the CIA officer bowing down in supplication before the muslim, then it would be considered torture and the CIA interrogator would have his life destroyed by as many false charges and prosecutions as it took.

It seems to me that it would be easier to make false charges WITHOUT a tape. If we had one, perhaps we could actually see what happened, but then again I may just be a visual learner. This comment would actually be ok if it said "I note the CIA destroyed the tapes to cover their ass." So he at least had the first seven words correct, then he veered a bit too far to the right.

And finally, not a particularly vicious comment, but one that I think demonstrates the foolishness of the people who rabidly defend torture.

That said, I am agnostic on destroying evidence.

Is the Central Intelligence Agency's destruction of evidence of a possible crime a bad thing? *scratches head* Gee, I guess I don't know.

Feel free to comment on this post, and rest easily knowing I won't delete your opinion, unless of course it is false, slightly different than mine, defamatory, unsightly, too long, liberal, abusive, and let's not forget pornographic.

The Real Answer To Social Security

2007-12-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

Alan Greenspan said in 2005 that in order to keep Social Security afloat in the future, the U.S. would either have to significantly raise taxes or cut benefits. However, since none of these options seem to appeal to the American people, I would like to consider what I think to be the obvious solution: fewer old people.

It is no doubt that there are more elderly people now than ever, and unfortunately, it is there oldness that is ruining Social Security. By selfishly remaining alive, these people are dragging the country towards economic trouble. But, you might ask, "what exactly can I do to help solve this problem?" Well, I'm glad you asked.

Most of us live near at least one or two old people that we consider friendly, forgetful, or easy to steal from. These people are generally unassuming, and have a chair that allows them to only face one direction for 90% of their waking life, so here's what you need to do. When the elderly target, er, citizen is not paying attention, simply apply a thin coat of butter to the top step of their highest staircase (in order to do this, you may have to remove the non-slip liner they purchased with that slow-cooker from the home shopping channel). Once you are finished, you merely need to wait...doesn't it feel great to serve your nation? Oh, and don't worry about the butter being left over as evidence, the 19 cats your old person undoubtedly has should make quick work of it.

However, while the previous method is highly effective, some of you may prefer a slightly less direct method. For you, I recommend creating a trail of things that will catch the attention of an elderly person, while not alerting the rest of the population. For this I recommend a variety of mailing materials from Publisher's Clearing House. Once the target of your operation has been led far enough away from their home, simply end the path, and, contrary to popular belief, over 90% are unable to find their way home.

I hope you find these simple techniques for lowering the Social Security obligations of the U.S. government helpful. Should you decided to implement these tactics, you are surely a true patriot. After all, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. If you have any more questions, feel free to e-mail me at thehonorableflamingo@leavenworthprison.gov.

Anatomy Of A Ron Paul Smear

2007-12-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

Of course, the bloggers out there tend to denigrate their least favorite candidates in very clear terms, and that is great, but surely this doesn't happen in the main-stream media, does it? Think again. Although they certainly can not be honest about it, the media has been slowly but surely marginalizing the support for Ron Paul, and I'd like to show you how to do it yourselves, if you so choose.

1.) Brand supporters with a nick-name.
Paulians or Paulites are two of the most popular. These names just scream that we are dealing with a tiny group of people. Surely, if his support were wide-spread, the media wouldn't have to give everyone who favors him a pet name? My personal favorite of these, however, is neither of the two above, but rather Paulistinians. That's great...associate Ron Paul supporters with a group most Americans have negative views of, how fair and balanced.

2.) Associate them with people identified as evil or crazy.
Whether it be racist "white power" people, or 9/11 truthers, the tactic is just the same. Throw in some vague terms, followed by the name of some racist and/or crazy person who no one has ever heard of and explain how Ron Paul accepted money from him/her. Be sure to make it sound as though Paul took the money directly from him whilst giving him a Swedish massage. This is a good tactic, because we all know that if he doesn't spend his time and money refuting these endorsements, then he must agree with them.

3.) Relegate their campaign to "internet people".
For some reason, and I'm not sure why, internet support seems to be used only in a derogatory manner. "Well, they are only internet supporters". What the hell does the mean? Are likely Republican primary voters unaware of the internet? The internet permeates the lives of nearly everyone everyday...how can support coming from it be bad? How can any support be bad?

In an effort to demonstrate these techniques, I have penned a small sample paragraph that I think will illustrate the phenomenon quite clearly.

Ron Paul supporters, or Rontards, flocked to a rally he held in Iowa last week. Among them was a random guy, who is the spokesperson for the group "Americans for the Destruction and Mutilation of Cute, Cuddly Kittens", or ADMCCK. He said, "ADMCCK really feels as though we can get on board with Ron Paul. With a national membership of more than 57, it is important that we elect a candidate who we think possibly would allow us to continue our feline extermination programs in peace." Random guy also mentioned that he had donated almost $12 to the Ron Paul campaign over the course of the past month. Money Ron Paul has not yet returned.

CNN Debate - Gays In The Military

2007-11-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

I watched the Youtube Republican debate Wednesday, and there was one answer in particular that I found rather objectionable. So I've decided to make a video of it, with commentary interspersed. The quality probably isn't that good, but it's mostly because I don't care and I didn't want to spend hours making something decent. Enjoy.

Sexism In The Main-Stream Media

2007-11-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

A while back, there was a large uproar over the possibility that Rosie O'Donnell might be offered her own show on MSNBC. Mostly it was conservative commentators who objected to her extreme political views, and because they firmly believe that the only idiocy fit for the airwaves is theirs.

For a while, the majority seemed to believe that she would get her program, but I knew from the beginning that this would not be the case. It isn't that there is not room for polarizing viewpoints in network news, but that there is no room for ugly women with polarizing viewpoints in network news.

To demonstrate my point, I have conducted a poorly researched and most likely completely biased investigation into the hiring of only attractive women as anchors or commentators. First, take a look at this selection of photos of anchors and reporters from the three major news networks.
Ok, so Michelle Malkin may actually be a man, but the rest are definitely legitimate. Now let's take a moment to compare those women to this picture of Rosie O'Donnell.

I think it is easy to see why she wouldn't quite "fit" in the group above (pun intended of course).

We might expect that this phenomenon of hiring only the photogenic to do the news is not a gender biased system, so I decided to do a little digging. Needless to say, I was horrified at what I found.
Sexism is truly alive and well in our cable networks.

Jesus For Giuliani!

2007-11-17T19:05:00.000-05:00

That's right, Pat Robertson, the well known Christian leader has come out in full support of Republican Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. Fitting too, as the announcement came only a few days after Satan, known to some as the "Prince of Darkness" or "Bill Clinton" announced he would fully support the Democratic nominee. Last weekend Osama bin Laden also made a similar statement, although he did so through a press release.

Robertson's endorsement is one that is coveted among Republicans, and this dealt a blow to Mitt Romney, who had been trying to court conservative Christians during his campaign. After all, who wouldn't want the be backed by a guy who has the power to pray a hurricane away from his business headquarters. Never mind the eight people that hurricane killed when it hit the coast above Virginia Beach, they were probably all homosexuals. That's the kind of uniting force Republicans need, and there is no more morally upstanding person to get it from than a guy who has said that homosexuality could cause massive natural disasters and "possibly a meteor."

Although Robertson and Giuliani don't always see eye-to-eye on social issues, many saw this as an important endorsement for national security reasons. In fact, Robertson himself said that the issue differences "pale in comparison" to the importance of the global war on terror. That's a good point, because as we all know, there is no more staunch advocate of perpetual war than Jesus Christ. It's a good thing Robertson finally told people of faith who they could vote for, they were getting anxious.

Now, if you don't mind, I had better wrap this up before Mr. Robertson prays an earthquake into my home.

Three Reasons Hilary Clinton Will Be President

2007-11-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

Just to let everyone know, I don't plan on voting for Hilary Clinton next year, but based on careful analysis of key issues, I've concluded that she has the best chance of being President. Here I will run down the three most important issues, and then outline why she is in the best position to come out on top.

Hair
There is no doubt about it, Presidential hair is one of the key factors in earning election in the United States, and Hilary has it. Her 'doo' has just the right amount of bounce and liveliness, without at the same time looking pompous. Historically, hair has been a huge factor in the election of U.S. Presidents. For instance, take a look at this photo of Martin van Buren. Many political analysts claim that Van Buren only lasted one term because of the recession and resulting poor economy, but I think we know differently. We need only look at the top of his head. But, it is important to note that John Edwards and Mitt Romney also have Presidential hair, so we must continue.

Look
There has been much debate over whether or not the United States is ready for a woman President. Some people have been divided over this issue, but I think there is one thing we can all agree on: America isn't ready for an attractive woman President. Here Hilary fits the bill perfectly. We need a President who will be effective in reforming the health care system, while at the same time not raising red flags from your wife or girlfriend over your sudden interest in the State of the Union address. I think it's safe to say that Hilary Clinton will do neither. However, on this list we could also include Rudy Giuliani or Chris Dodd, and they have four wives between the two of them to prove it.

She's No Pushover
There has been speculation recently about whether or not Hilary Clinton is too weak to be President. Specifically, after she fumbled the immigration question in the debate and called it unfair, many have asked "if she can't handle Tim Russert, how can she handle Ahmadinejad." I don't think these people are looking at all the facts. Hilary Clinton refused oral sex to the most powerful man in the country. This certainly proves she is no pushover, because we know Bill was asking. So, how will she handle Ahmadinejad? Personally, I don't know, but I'm sure it won't be with fellatio.

So there, if you aren't now convinced that Hilary Clinton will be the next President, than I'm not sure what else I can do. I think I've provided an airtight case and laid out pretty much all her most impressive credentials. Now, I have to go send this to the Fox News Channel. Maybe they'll offer me a job. Hell, I can't be any less qualified than Brit Hume.

Bill O'Reilly Answers My Mail...And Takes It Out Of Context

2007-11-10T09:24:00.000-05:00

Bill O'Reilly answered my letter on his November 7th show. I thought I should put it up here, unfortunately, I only have audio. By the way, he got my name wrong too.

I wrote my letter in response to a segment he did on the previous night's show about the torturing of captives. In that context, I thought it was pretty clear that by "enemies" I meant those that we had captured, but I guess I was wrong. The bombings of Japan and Nazi Germany during WWII were just acts of war, however, the torturing of helpless captives is never justified.

I should also clarify that nowhere in my letter did I mention "dead Americans". The "Americans" portion of that was a complete fabrication. What I wrote was "Your 'families dead in the streets' argument is merely fear-mongering." This was in response to an argument Bill had with Liz Wiehl. He said something to the effect of "So your family is lying dead in the streets and you won't allow us to use harsh interrogation methods." The primary objection of my letter was this message of "allow torture or your family will be slaughtered." That is fear-mongering.

Since I have really no authority to speak on this subject, and it is just my word against Bill's when I say torture is immoral and it doesn't work, I've decided to bring in an expert. Retired Army Colonel Stuart Herrington worked as an interrogator in Vietnam, Panama, and during the Gulf War with Iraq. He was also asked to help train Iraq-bound interrogators in the art of non-coercive interrogation. I will use his words to support my argument now.

"In interrogation centers I ran, we called prisoners "guests" and extended military courtesies, such as saluting captured officers. We strove to undermine a prisoner's belief system, which we knew instructed him that Americans are unschooled infidels who would bully him and resort to intimidation, threats and brutality."

Can you imagine a 19 or 20 year old Al-Qaeda fighter, captured on the battlefield, sitting in the interrogation room? A person that has been indoctrinated with the idea that Americans are pure evil, and will brutalize him mercilessly. If we merely strap him to a board and pretend to drown him, it does nothing but reinforce these beliefs. He can say to himself, "they are exactly as I thought they were." However, treating a captive with respect, probably more than he ever received from terrorist leaders, will go farther to show him Americans are not bad than electricity applied to the genitals ever could.

"But the so-called ticking time bomb scenario is a Hollywood construct that I never encountered in my 30-year career."

Funny, a 30 year career that has never encountered this situation, and yet every question about torture given to Presidential candidates seems to focus on it.

Finally, he ends with a story from the Gulf War, about an Iraqi general who was interrogated not with hostility, but with respect and skill.

"An Iraqi general, captured and humiliated during Operation Desert Storm, is initially frightened and defiant but eventually cooperates, knowing that Saddam Hussein's penalty for treason was certain death. Before repatriation, the general hands his captor his prayer beads and a scrap of paper bearing an address, saying with emotion, 'Our Islamic custom requires that we show gratitude to those who bestow kindness and mercy. These beads comforted me through your Air Force's fierce bombings for 39 days, but they are all I have. When Saddam is gone, please come to my home. You will be an honored guest and we will slaughter a lamb to welcome you.'"

You can read the full article from the Colonel here.

I guess not everyone agrees with you Mr. O'Reilly.

When we use the fear of terrorism to justify torture, we become a little bit like the terrorists that we are trying to defeat. We do their job for them, and in fact do far more damage to ourselves than they ever could.

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose out freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln

Dog's Bark Worse Than His Bite?

2007-11-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

The A&E Show "Dog the Bounty Hunter" has been put on hold in the aftermath of a racist tirade by the show's star, Duane "Dog" Chapman. The incident began with a recorder telephone conversation in which Chapman referred to his son's girlfriend as a f------ n-----. He said that he refused to risk his entire career on her hearing him use the word n------ and turning it over to "The Enquirer." The Enquirer released the tape earlier this week. This sort of irony is really only fitting for a guy who's "hit" show is on a network that is only watched by old men who can't get out of their chair to change the channel.

But, is it real any surprise that the guy with the leather vest with no shirt underneath and the largest mullet in history harbors some racial bias? He even has to employ armbands just to cover the swastika tattoos on his arms (ok, so I don't know they are swastikas, but until I prove otherwise, I'm going to say they are). His entire persona oozes paranoid white guy with superiority complex, and we are supposed to be surprised when he is actually like that?

However, if the show is ever put back on the air, this may actually help Dog's ratings. After all, who more than white supremacists would like to see a muscular half naked-man running around and capturing muscular, half-naked men of occasional mixed race. If that isn't a KKK TV night/orgy, I don't know what is.

Unfortunately, the real fall-out in this case could be between father and son. The prevailing idea is that Dog's son is the one who released the tape in the first place, and probably cost his father a career, along with several of his friends of color (just kidding, I'm pretty sure Dog doesn't have any friends of color). If his son did hand out the tape, however, it sort of ruins that old adage, "the family who tracks down criminals and then takes part in highly suggestive heart-to-heart talks with them together, stays together."

"Reformed" Gays For Obama!

2007-10-26T17:08:00.000-04:00

Senator Barack Obama has come under fire recently for allowing the "reformed" gay gospel singer Donnie McClurkin to perform in one of his campaign's sponsored concerts. Many groups have accused him of pandering to the anti-gay southern church-goers, and quite frankly, they won't get off his ass about it.

McClurkin says that he was delivered from homosexuality by the grace of God, and that he realized his life-style was "not God's intention." He has also stated that he became gay due to being sexually assaulted by male family members in his youth. This also seems to explain why women can't seem to keep their hands off serial rapists.

There is no doubt McClurkin exemplifies the "change" aspect of Obama's campaign, and maybe just in time. The homophobic vote is one that is often ignored by candidates, and it is estimated that these so-called "homophobes" make up a significant part of the population. In fact, many seem to be concentrated in Christian churches, which is the area Obama is targeting. It is also important to note that these people hold very strongly to their beliefs, saying that "homophobia is not a choice" and that instead, it is something placed in them, almost as if by a higher power.

But perhaps McClurkin's message can help bring Obama's campaign to the forefront. If history tells us anything about politics then there is nothing like preying on irrational fear and ignorance to help raise a few dollars. Obama is promoting an idea that might be most appealing to many groups: a society in which there is no need for civil unions.

Things I Just Don't Understand

2007-10-16T21:49:00.000-04:00

There are probably a lot of things I don't understand, many more than I could write about here, but I'm just going to focus on two of them.

First of all, Bill O'Reilly. Now I enjoy his show, and I watch it as much as I can. I don't agree with everything he believes or says, and I think I speak for most of his viewers when I say that half the fun of watching The O'Reilly Factor is calling Bill an idiot and hurling insults and rebuttals at the screen from the safety of a couch.

O'Reilly tends to do stories that amount to little more than journalistic pornography. In fact, one of his main stories today, a piece on Girls Gone Wild, featured actual pornography! Naturally, this discussion contained provocative video of young girls, and followed a story in which O'Reilly deplored the way our culture exploits provocative young girls.

Finally, and probably more importantly, I still can not nail down Rudy Giuliani. I would like to stop short of calling him disingenuous, because I think he may actually believe his own nonsense. My biggest qualm is that he speaks about 9/11 as though it is his big accomplishment! This seems akin to lauding yourself for the plague just because you happened to be King. In my opinion, September 11th is an important issue, but it should be a talking point for no candidate.

Unfortunately, it seems he has dragged his wife into it now. She seems like a nice enough person, although it was difficult to tell because in their interview with Sean Hannity I think she was told not to answer questions with any detail whatsoever. Her favorite line was probably "You know Sean, I'm really not a very political person." I thought this was pretty honest, but then counted at least four (it may have been five) references to 9/11 during the relatively short time she actually answered questions.

I just can't get behind this guy...it seems to me that he would say whatever he thought would boost his name further up the polls.

I was going to post pictures of these two, but for some reason blogger won't let me. Hopefully they fix it soon, because just having to read my writing can get pretty boring.

CNBC Republican Debate

2007-10-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

Well, another Republican debate is over, and the public is in a tizzy over the results. This debate was held in Dearborn, Michigan and featured Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, those six other guys like them, and Ron Paul, who is kind of like the guy who always gets picked last on the playground. Although I don't have specific statistics, I'm pretty sure the ratings put the debate somewhere between midget thumb wrestling and the convertible bed infomercial. Anyway, let's get right to the analysis.

First, I would like to expose my bias on the subject. I, as well as many who have seen the debates and heard him speak, favor Ron Paul for the Presidency. Thus I will most likely unfairly mock or berate the other candidates in this and future writings. Actually, I take that back, I will still mock or berate them, but I plan to do it fairly.

This particular debate was focused on the economy, and since I have a feeling that most Americans can't tell you much about the Alternative Minimum Tax, or how the federal reserve regulates the market and sometimes causes inflation, I will leave those subjects alone. For me, there was really one question that hurt the two major candidates, Giuliani and Romney, and that is the question I would like to address.

MATTHEWS: Governor Romney, that raises the question, if you were president of the United States, would you need to go to Congress to get authorization to take military action against Iran's nuclear facilities?

ROMNEY: You sit down with your attorneys and tell you want you have to do, but obviously the president of the United States has to do what's in the best interest of the

United States

to protect us against a potential threat. The president did that as he was planning on moving into Iraq and received the authorization of Congress...

MATTHEWS: Did he need it?

ROMNEY: You know, we're going to let the lawyers sort out what he needed to do and what he didn't need to do. But, certainly, what you want to do is to have the agreement of all the people -- leadership of our government as well as our friends around the world where those circumstances are available.

Yes, you read that correctly, before going to war, President Romney wouldn't consult with the Congress, but rather with his lawyers! Now that may not sound like a very good plan, but then again, you haven't seen Mitt Romney's lawyer.After that brief exchange, you may have thought Romney had the dumbest remark of the night sewn up. But no! In a stunning upset, Giuliani pulled in with a worse gaffe during that same question.

As a set up, this is how Congressman Ron Paul answered the same question:

MATTHEWS: The same question down the line, gentlemen. It's so important.

Congressman Paul, do you believe the president needs authorization of Congress to attack strategic targets in Iran, nuclear facilities?

PAUL: Absolutely. This idea of going and talking to attorneys totally baffles me. Why don't we just open up the Constitution and read it? You're not allowed to go to war without a declaration of war.

I know what you are thinking..."Gee, the Constitution, that is something I haven't heard a Presidential candidate mention in a while." But now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the number one flub/downright stupid statement of the night, and here it is:

PAUL: Now, as far as fleeting enemies go, yes. If there's an imminent attack on us. We've never had that happen in 220 years.

The thought that the Iranians could pose an imminent attack on the United States is preposterous. There's no way.

Only minutes later...

GIULIANI: It really depends on exigency of the circumstances and how legitimate it is, that it really is an exigent circumstance. It's desirable, it's safer to go to Congress, get approval from Congress.

If you're really dealing with an exigent circumstance, then the president has to act in the best interests of the country.

And the point of -- I think it was Congressman Paul made before -- that we've never had an eminent attack, I don't know where he was on September 11th.

PAUL: That was no country.

That was 19 thugs. That had nothing to do with a country.

GIULIANI: And since September -- well, I think it was kind of organized in Afghanistan and Pakistan. And if we had known about it, maybe -- maybe hitting a target there, quickly, might have helped prevent it.

Yes, of course, a preemptive strike on Afghanistan or Pakistan, that would have stopped it for sure! Never mind that the terrorists who hijacked the planes had been in the U.S. for months beforehand preparing for the attack and even living here. I'm sure an attack on a country where the group they belonged to was hiding would have stopped everything in its tracks. Not to mention this statement begs the question: where should we attack? Does Al-Qaeda have a big headquarters with gold trim and a giant sign? This is a decentralized, non-governmental terrorist organization. What do we gain from attacking a sovereign nation? Furthermore, we have had an almost constant military presence in the Middle-East for decades, which did nothing to prevent the attacks.

Unfortunately, Giuliani seems concerned only scaring the American people into a flawed foreign policy, unfortunately now he seems to even be willing to use dishonest arguments to do it.

In, conclusion, I think that Giuliani is blinded by his own propaganda. He seems to think of everything in terms of 9/11, and apparently seems to have historic amnesia that began at the beginning of the 21st century. The reason I say this is because I think that there may very well have been a legitimate objection to Dr. Paul's comment that we have never had an imminent attack posed against us, but it was not 9/11. The one that immediately comes to mind is Pearl Harbor, which drew us into the last legitimately declared war we fought, World War II.

I apologize for this being so long and not all that amusing, but this was a subject I hadn't seen covered in the news that much (with the exception of the Romney answer, which is why I was able to make a joke rather than actual commentary), and one that struck me as being important.

Idaho Lowers Standards!

2007-10-09T18:57:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought to yourself "Gee, I should really move to Idaho."? Me either. But if you were going to, now would certainly be the time. Never has being an Idahoan, or Idahoese, or whatever people there are called been so easy. Standards for good citizens are at their lowest levels in decades, and not to mention every new citizen gets a copy of the new book One Great Thing About Idaho.

All this comes on the heels of the news that Senator Larry Craig will still be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame after being embroiled in one of the more bizarre scandals in recent history. The Hall of Fame committee stands by their decision to place Craig in the Hall, stating that he "has made a great contribution to Idaho over the period of 20-some years." Unfortunately, that has absolutely nothing to do with what he is famous for.

But Craig has really earned this nomination. He has always been a strong advocate of ethics in politics, even serving on the House Ethics Committee. In fact, he is so opposed to unethical activity, that when Representative Barney Frank, who happens to be gay, was reprimanded for his activity with a gay prostitute, Craig pushed for a harsher punishment.

And, if you are still not convinced that Craig is a man of principle, just look at this. He voted against Habeus Corpus for detainees, and for the Federal Marriage Amendment, which declared marriage to be between a man and a woman, and relieved states from respecting the full faith and credit clause when it comes to gay marriages. Hey, and who said hypocrisy wasn't popular?

But, if you can't select for the Hall of Fame a man embroiled in a gay sex scandal who has a history of voting to restrict gay rights, who can you pick?

Faux Pin?

2007-10-05T17:34:00.000-04:00

For some reason that I am not aware of, the big story of the day has been Barack Obama stating that he will no longer wear the U.S. flag pin on his lapel. Obama has been questioned about the decision, and remarked that instead of wearing the pin he is going to try to "tell the American people what I believe will make this country great."

To me this is a just a huge travesty. That someone in our nation thinks they can be elected to a public office without wearing a pin of the flag that office represents is absolutely ludicrous. Sure, perhaps Obama can talk his way into seeming patriotic some of the time, but how are people going to realize his love for his country at times when he is silent? These are the times when a machine-painted, mass-produced piece of metal with a pointy thing and tiny inscription that reads "Made in China" can really come in handy.

Obama's comments also included the opinion that the pin may have become a "substitute for real patriotism" in the years after 9/11. I, on the other hand don't think it has been a substitute at all, rather a supplement. For instance, Presidential hopeful Sam Brownback used to have rather low levels of patriotism, but look at him now. Note: Photo has in no way been altered to be a comic exaggeration.

By now, you probably agree with my argument that low priced fashion accessories are the most important thing to look for in choosing a candidate, so I've decided to go one step further. I will be designing clothing that I hope to market to these Presidential candidates in the future. I've released an exclusive photo of what you may be seeing on the campaign trail.This is going to be great. Patriotism is awesome, and there is not better way to show you have it then by constantly shoving material representations of it into your constituent's faces. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm putting together a little pile of World Trade Center rubble for Rudy Giuliani to stand on every time he speaks.

I'm Back!

2007-10-05T17:32:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but I hope to get back in the swing of things, and perhaps one day, even have a successful blog. I'm going to try to start posting at least a few times a week, so that I can write more stuff that one person reads.

Preparing For The End

2007-06-20T14:47:00.000-04:00

Thanks to a report by Glenn Beck last week, I am now aware of the imminent return of Jesus. I'm not sure of the exact sequence of events, but if you have any questions, please refer to the books his guests have written: The Left Behind series. They will explain everything perfectly, and I find there is no better way to interpret a book of Holy Scripture than with a 26$ book of fiction. Anyway, without further ado, I must make my final declarations.

To Whom It May Concern,

In the case of a rapture event, or any other occurrence resulting in my disappearance and believed to be attributable to the supernatural, I hereby declare that these words reflect my final wishes.

I wish that my stereo be given to John. He was always sort of a jerk to me, so I figure he will probably be left behind anyway.

To my neighbor, who always kept me awake with his late night parties and inconsiderate choice of outdoor lighting, I leave my car, which should be no more than a smoldering pile of brimstone by the time he gets it.

All my other possessions I give to Ari. He does a lot of charity work with children, and will need the money, plus everyone knows the Jews are a doomed people.

These are my final requests, and I hope that they will be honored, even by you godless unrapturables.

Enjoy the Anti-Christ, ye workers of iniquity,
The Honorable Flamingo

P.S. Although the end is near and I think everyone must prepare, I hope you will still all buy the book I am planning to write: Why I'm in Heaven and You're Not.

Asking The Tough Questions

2007-06-02T21:34:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me understands that I am happy to make Fox News my sole source for political commentary, everyday happenings, and morning worship. They report to me the whole story, meaning there is really no other reason to watch any other channel. For instance, take these two interviews that they put together. They force candidates to answer the difficult questions, and never pull any punches.

Barack Obama

FoxNews: Mr. Obama, thank you for sitting down with us.
Barack Obama: It is my pleasure.
FN: Let's start with immigration. You support allowing immigrants who are in the country illegally an opportunity to earn citizenship. Are there any other laws of America that you don't respect?
BO: I respect all the laws of this country. It is impossible to simply round up the 12 mil...
FN: Alright, we have to move on. You have been against the Iraq War from the start, why is that?
BO: As I have said in the past, I feel that the decision to go to war in Iraq was made in a foolish and rash manner. I have been consistent in my criticism of the Administration's handling of the war, and feel that despite the best efforts of our troops, there can be no military solution to a political conflict.
FN: But isn't it a little unpatriotic to criticize the President in a time of war?
BO: There is nothing unpatriotic about asking for an end to a war that has been waged so absurdly. This Administration has given us no concrete plan and no definition of victory. The American people have expressed their disapproval of this war, and it is about time some of their representatives speak up on their behalf.
FN: Finally, I have to ask about your name, what is that Iranian?
BO: I'm from Hawaii.
FN: Well, it's an interesting debate. That's all the time we have, thanks for agreeing to this interview.
BO: My pleasure...

Mitt Romney

FoxNews: Mayor Romney, thanks for taking the time away from being patriotic to talk to us.
Mitt Romney: You're welcome.
FN: Let's talk about immigration. How do you propose to reform the current system.
MR: I think we need to encourage legal immigration and discourage illegal immigration.
FN: Exactly...I mean, OK. Now about terrorism, what is your position.
MR: Well I feel that we must defeat the radical jihadists wherever they may be, and if we don't they will attack us in our own country. I feel that the position of the Democratic Party will only lead to making America unsafe.
FN: A quick follow-up. Why do you think Democrats are opposed to a safe country?
MR: Probably cowardice, but I can't say for sure.
FN: Before we go Mr. Romney, one final question: who should I make the check out to?

GOP Debate

2007-05-20T19:25:00.000-04:00

The second Republican candidates debate occurred last week, and I think it is safe to say that it left the public in a frenzy. It is always exciting to see people speak so enthusiastically about plans that they aren't going to implement. In fact, it sort of reminds me of Congress. But really, with this being such an important Presidential election, I think it is a good idea to get people fed up with politics a year and a half before the election.

With enough participants to start a basketball team, and not enough original ideas to write a children's book, the debate left both viewers a little disappointed. However, the night was not without its tense moments. For instance, possibly the most vicious battle of the day came between Mitt Romney and John McCain.

Look at McCain, going right for the larynx. These are the moments that really get me fired up.

As expected, with ten participants total, there were many differences. However, with all their squabbles, there is one things all the candidates seem to agree on: they all hate Ron Paul. For instance, take a look at Rudy Giuliani going after the Congressman after he suggests a change in U.S. foreign policy.

Probably the most telling part of the debate was the fact that Fox News had to go all the way to South Carolina to find a receptive Republican audience. This may seem a little extreme, but it really isn't all that surprising. After all, holding an intelligent debate in South Carolina is like holding a science convention at Liberty University.

Editorial Cartoon Time!

2007-05-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

I saw this first cartoon in a "Pentecostal Evangel" magazine. I'm sure you can see why. It is rare to find editorial cartoonists who are published in fundamentalist religious publications. I suspect this is at least partly because most religious fundamentalists aren't very funny.

The comics here are by Wayne Stayskal. As you can probably see, he is pro-gun, anti-abortion, doesn't buy global warming, and according to the first cartoon, apparently believes the end is near. Take it how you will, I just thought I'd put them up here.

Oh, and here is a little bit about Stayskal from his page on gocomics.com:

Wayne Stayskal, nationally syndicated editorial cartoonist for the Tampa Tribune, keeps readers chuckling and sometimes raises an eyebrow with his sharp wit and intriguing style. His cartoon commentary breaks the boundaries of politics to include topical subjects such as HMOs, education, global warming and the cigarette wars.

The New Face Of Bible Literalism

2007-04-28T20:55:00.000-04:00

After years of searching for the boat that legend (and by legend I mean the unerring word of God) says held the ancient Noah, his three sons, three daughters, bunches of domesticated animals, and two of everything else, Johan Huibers has gotten fed up. In fact, he's so fed up he's building his own.

He worked hard to make everything just as it would have been in Noah's day, even going so far as to build much of the ark by hand, albeit using modern tools. Johan's Ark is only about one-fifth the Biblical recommendations for world flood safety, but I chalk that up to Johan's having a hard time finding an actual 500 year old man to help him build it.

The Ark will act as a sort of museum for creationist children, where they will be able to go to learn about the real science of the world, including a brief theater show in which children watch a scientific recreation of the Ark story. If you would like to watch this without going to Holland, than you can just rent the Disney cartoon Fantasia, because that's what Johan will be showing.

Johan has said that he hopes in building the museum to renew the interest in Christianity in the Netherlands. He also plans to bring the ark to several cities in Belgium and Germany, with the goal of eventually annoying people all across Europe with his giant boat.

But this story got me thinking. If we can bring credibility to the Ark story just by building one, perhaps we can do the same for other Bible stories. Imagine the excitement for God we will cause once we start building our Tower to Heaven. We will joyously remind people of the truth about how God saw humanity united as one in the greatest public works project ever, then destroyed their building, and to add insult to injury, even made some of them British.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work on my Knowledge of Good and Evil seed.

1-800-GO-PAGAN

2007-04-22T23:40:00.000-04:00

Feeling like your religion could use a tune up? Tired of being made fun of on Youtube by atheists who never leave their house except to buy more webcam accessories? If this sounds like you then you're a perfect candidate for a conversion to paganism.

But in a time when the world is so uncertain, and religious tensions ever present, not just any old heretical religion will do. No, now is the time for us to go Jain.

Yes, you heard me correctly, Jainism. If you've never heard of it you probably aren't alone, and that's OK, because they are probably going to hell anyways. But perhaps if we could get more people behind this thing, since it is one of the oldest religions, maybe God would change his mind and make it the true religion after all. Alright, so Jains don't believe in God...but karma will certainly look well on us once we are the majority. What are some other beliefs of Jainism? I thought you'd never ask.

1.) Equality of all life and non-violence.
That's right, Jains don't kill anything. This one might take a little getting used to, but think of how great it would be when there are no wars, no domestic violence, and no Charlton Heston. Did I say that out loud? Anyway, doesn't sound like such a bad world to me.

2.) Truth
Jains place much importance on telling the truth, so for this one we may have to make a few changes. First of all I suppose we could cancel Fox News...and maybe MSNBC, but I'm not sure anyone watches them anyway. Cut out the tabloids, half of the internet, and we are well on our way to a Dharmic lifestyle.

3.) Chastity
This one might be a little tricky. Sort of like Catholics, only Monks in the Jain religion are actually completely chaste, everyone else simply keeps sex within marriage, and remains faithful to their partner...I'm not sure which would be harder. The really tough part, however, is that the Jains believe that any impure thoughts are also a violation of chastity. This will be hard to do for some people, but to start I would recommend canceling the Tyra Show and replacing it with reruns of the View.

The Jains also, among other things, seek to eradicate hate, anger, and malice from the world. This means that we might actually have to love our neighbors, but if you think about it, after a while, it would probably become second nature. Not to mention, I think the value of world peace outweighs the little bit of annoyance it might be to not hate people. All in all I hope that the entire world will follow my lead, because Jain is the religion of the future!

Wait a second, I'd have to be a vegetarian! Screw that, the Jains are all going to hell anyway.

Let The Gun Control Battle Begin

2007-04-20T21:02:00.000-04:00

Of course it is really no surprise that less than a week after the tragedy at Virginia Tech, advocates from both sides of the gun control issue have stepped forward to exploit it. CNN.com published editorials from two typical sides of the debate, and this post will examine these pieces.

First, perhaps a little background is necessary. Tom Plate takes the pro-gun control side, and judging from the looks of his glasses, thats probably a good thing. On the other side, Ted Nugent will argue for more guns. Oh, and by the way, he is wearing camouflage in this picture, just in case you were having trouble seeing him. Alright, thats plenty of background, lets get to the writing.

Plate-"So let's just disregard all the hoopla about the race of the student responsible for the slayings. These students were not killed by a Korean, they were killed by a 9 mm handgun and a .22-caliber handgun."

I can't say I've heard much "hoopla" about race, and I agree that that is beside the point. However, to say that these students and professors were killed by handguns is ridiculous. If handguns are fully responsible here, then we can blame planes for September 11th, and marshmallows for those damned circus peanuts. What say you Mr. Nugent?

Nugent-"Yet, there are still the mindless puppets of the Brady Campaign and other anti-gun organizations insisting on continuing the gun-free zone insanity by which innocents are forced into unarmed helplessness."

I wish I had thought of calling everyone who disagrees with me a "mindless puppet", because it is so much better than actually trying to formulate a coherent point. Who are gun-control advocates puppets of, you ask? That's a good question, surely not the President, and I can guess not the vice president either. Is Mr. Nugent really advocating arming every college student with a firearm so that they aren't forced into "unarmed helplessness", you have to be kidding.

In reality, most Americans probably fall somewhere between these two extremes in the gun control debate. Not all of us go to sleep in camouflage pajamas dreaming of knocking off burglars with out sub-machine gun/guitar. On the other hand, most of us realize that it is not only impossible but unnecessary to pass laws to the point at which guns will be available only in museums.

So where are we now. A mentally ill young man walked into a building and gunned down innocent people with two semi-automatic handguns. I think that most people, like myself, support reasonable measures to control who can get their hands on weapons. The type of extreme reactions that occur after these incidents only serves to cheapen the actual debate.

My heart goes out to the victims at Virginia Tech, and I sincerely hope that they will be remembered for who they were: students and teachers, friends and families, sons and daughters, and not as some launchpad for a political firefight.

Fifth-Graders Arrested For Sex In Classroom

2007-04-03T23:15:00.000-04:00

In an time when young people seem to be "coming-of-age" sooner than ever, it appears that some middle-school students in Louisiana have just raised the bar another couple notches. Authorities say that when the class was inadvertently left unattended for about 15 minutes, four students began engaging in sexual acts while another stood lookout. The Vice Principal later expressed his disapproval of the situation, and lamented that the students had accomplished more in 15 minutes than he had been able to in 37 years.

But the seriousness of this case can simply not be understated. It is unacceptable to have pedophiles roaming the halls of our countries middle schools. This being the case, it only makes sense to begin seeking out child-predators at earlier ages. I've placed my call to Dateline, and I suggest you do the same. It's about time we heard "Tonight, on Dateline, To Catch a Predator: Middle School edition." Chris Hanson and the crew could set up mock tea parties, record the proceedings, and then lurk in the shadows, ready to pounce on unsuspecting youngsters, who would then be tasered and led to jail. Justice is sweet, especially when it makes me some fat royalty checks.

It is unknown as to what caused the impromptu sexual romp, and we can only speculate as to its origins and possible effects. Some claim that the bisexual orgy was a protest against current gay marriage laws, while Rosie O'Donnell contended on The View that the whole situation was orchestrated by the Bush Administration as a way to raise the distrust of children. No one knows for sure, but the police have launched a full scale investigation, and it's a good thing too, because trying desperately to keep the city safe was becoming a real bore. Maybe the library shouldn't have let those students sign out the Kama Sutra in the first place.

I'm Posting Again?!?!

2007-04-01T14:56:00.001-04:00

I'm going to try to get back to making posts regularly, but have been fairly busy lately. I've had a lot of writing to do that is actually graded (and probably read by more people now that I think about it).

But really, there is no excuse for my blog sitting idle for almost 2 months now, and hopefully that situation will be remedied by this evening. For now, here is a picture of a pile of cheese.

How Your Uninformed Girlfriend (or Boyfriend) Predicts Election Winners

2007-02-09T20:53:00.001-05:00

In an era where polls and up-to-the-minute reporting are frequently taking the excitement out of the old office election pools, many people have begun to come up with new ways to choose political parties: mascots.

Much like with sports teams, a good political mascot emphasizes the qualities of the group it represents. Tigers are fierce and strong. Colts are sleek and fast. Pirates rape, pillage, and terrorize the high seas. Seeing the positive qualities that such icons bring out in a team, it was only a matter of time before political parties jumped on board.

For instance, the Independence Party of Minnesota chose the Buffalo as their mascot, because much like Independence, the Buffalo nearly became extinct, and unfortunately, we are still awaiting the outcome of that battle. The Libertarian Party's mascot is the penguin, because a bird that is confined to one general area is always a good analogy for freedom.

The political mascots of more prominent parties bear an even more striking resemblance to the people they represent. For example, in the United States today, one party's mascot is an overweight, light-skinned animal with huge ears, and the other is a literal ass.

I'm not sure I could come up with any better representatives for the parties we have today. One tramples through the underbrush eating everything in its path, while the other is often foolish, and if I remember correctly, rarely comes out of his hut and is also quite droopy and depressed.

I could leave it at that, but in the interest of reform, and to end this on a positive note, I will suggest my own mascots.

The new Democratic mascot will be a cat. Cats can't be herded, which means they can never make up their damn minds to do anything together. They are also very skittish, and rarely come around, but if you bring in anything new, they'll definitely crap all over it.

The Republican mascot will be a branding iron. The exact opposite of the cat, the branding iron makes up its mind and sticks to it, because its made out of really hot metal. It doesn't really matter what it's opinions are, because if you even come close to challenging them, it will label you so fast you won't know what hit you, until you feel the third degree burns.

Atheist T-Shirts

2007-02-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

Are you godless? If you are, then I have some clothing for you. These atheist t-shirts will have all your friends asking you where you got it, and how they can get their hands on one. Just wait, you will turn heads, and souls, with your new wardrobe.When will these stylish tees be available you ask? Probably never. It's not my fault, it's just that there isn't really a demographic for these things, unless of course you want to get the hell beat out of you...literally.

President Celebrates 74% Approval Rating In Heaven

2007-01-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

While President George W. Bush has been subject to criticism recently, his administration points to the recent 2006 census in the Kingdom of God to prove that his policies are on the right track.

The newest statistics to come out of Paradise have left some of the most highly regarded political scientists confounded. They show that more than 74% of Heaven's eternal population approve of the job the President Bush is doing, and a whopping 89% support the war in Iraq.

These numbers come right on the heels of an overwhelming victory for Proposition 1,845,345,384, a Kindgom-wide referendum officially banning homosexual marriage. Next week, the legislature is expected to officially pass an amendment defining marriage as "between one man and one woman".

Press Secretary Tony Snow lauded the results, saying that they confirm the legitimacy of the Presidents actions. He also mentioned that Heaven is currently on the path towards democracy, and described it as a "shining beacon on a hill", and an example for Iraq. He later remarked that the President has always considered Paradise an important part of the Coalition of the Willing.

The Blessed Census also revealed that Heaven is entirely Christian, about 76% Republican, and the vast majority support the use of the death penalty. In the past 10 years, the population of heaven has grown .04% to 26 total people.

Finally, A Country That Stands Up For Freedom Of Speech

2006-12-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

A lot has been said and written about the Holocaust conference in Iran, and most of it has been negative. I think that these naysayers are missing the point of the whole thing. Just because the conference happened to be made up of mostly people who deny the historical genocide of millions of Jews and other minorities doesn't mean it was a hate conference. They are just trying to get to the truth. Besides there were mainstream holocaust speakers there, I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it because David Duke says so, and why would he lie, he doesn't hate Jews, he said so himself on CNN.

All this should not overshadow the real reason for this conference, however: freedom of speech. Western countries have been trampling on it for too long, and what better place to make a stand against these injustices than in Iran. I can only hope that Iran will next set its sights on the jailing of journalists and the horrible way in which the West treats their women. Only then will liberal democracies realize that their oppressive policies will no longer be tolerated.

David Duke isn't a man who should be looked down upon. So he was Grand Wizard of the most notorious hate group in the world, he's just a man in search of the honest, fair and balanced truth. And for those of you who think Grand Wizard is sort of a candy ass title for the leader of the Ku Klux Klan, you're probably right, but that doesn't change the facts. Plus he has a doctorate now, albeit one from a controversial Ukrainian University mired in accusations of anti-semitism. He earned that Ph.D., and he earned the right to refer to himself as doctor...every time he speaks in public.

Besides, how bad could David Duke really be, Time Magazine just named him the 2006 Person of the Year.

Vote On The Seven New Wonders Of The World!

2006-11-18T18:12:00.000-05:00

With all but one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World remaining, Swiss adventurer Bernard Weber has decided that it is time for the public to choose new ones. The only remaining original Wonder is the Great Pyramids of Giza, which is considered the best of the originals by many people with nothing better to do. The pyramids are among the final twenty-one nominees, but it remains to be seen whether or not they will stay on top.

Along with the pyramids, you can vote for the Great Wall of China, the Christ Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, and the Eiffel Tower in France. I have a feeling that the Eiffel Tower is getting its ass kicked. Bill O'Reilly and I have gotten together to urge Americans not to vote for this landmark. The French have failed to support us time and time again, and now we will show them what we think of it. We figure that with all of his viewers and both of mine, we could really send a message to those cowards. In fact, I've just decided to start writing eiffel tower, rather than 'Eiffel Tower'. That's right, it's no longer a proper noun. Take that France!

Instead, we urge you to vote for the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the French to the United States meant to celebrate its dominance over the rest of the world. And even then the French were unable to get the Statue here on time.

I would also like to announce that my nomination for a Wonder of the World was denied. I consider it a sad day for the world when the Plastic Lawn Flamingo (note the propoer noun) isn't considered a finalist in a Wonders of the World competition. First they stop production, and now they reject it as Wonder material. I fear that the Apocalypse may be upon us.

Rapist Sentenced To Be Slapped

2006-11-10T21:58:00.000-05:00

A deaf and mute woman was raped earlier this week while returning from work in the village of Rampur, India. The village is about 205 miles northwest of Lucknow. That's right, a town called Lucknow is the only point of reference within 205 miles.

Police refused to arrest the man responsible, saying that because the woman was unable to talk, she could not narrate the incident. A spokesperson also added, "we can't be expected to bother with every little charge of sexual assault and battery, and if you think we are going to stand around watching some lowly woman do sign language, you've got another thing coming."

Because of the apathy of the authorities, the village court held a trial, and sentenced the man to be slapped publicly 51 times. This controversial landmark ruling has replaced the previous precedent of doing nothing. Many people feel that this is truly a step in the right direction for women's equality in India.

If you wonder where the figure of 51 slaps came from, it is actually an ancient Indian tradition, dating back almost 2,500 years. Alright, I made that up, it is actually an arbitrary number chosen by tribal leaders who had been into the ceremonial rum a little too early.

The man was also fined by the tribe in the amount of $110. While that may not sound like much for the brutal rape of a woman who can neither hear nor speak, to be fair, in Indian rupees, the sum is equivalent to about $1,450,293 dollars, or half the gross domestic product of India.

Christopher Reeve's Children To Continue Mission

2006-11-03T16:50:00.000-05:00

Two of the late Christopher Reeve's children will serve on the board of his Foundation, continuing their father's mission: making as many terrible movies as possible. In a statement released earlier this week, the children said that it saddened them to see their father never reach his goal of becoming the first actor ever to make 15 straight-to-video movies in a row, and they wouldn't rest until that goal had been completed. "He left some unfinished business", said Matthew Reeve, "before he died, he was talking about making a sequel to Gigli, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to see that through."

This sentiment was shared by Reeve's dauther, Alexandra, who plans to star in the upcoming film 'Baked', which is subtitled, 'The rise and fall of the potato gun'. She will play the role of the inventor's daughter. The tear-jerking plot is wrought with emotion and centers around the struggles of a girl who had to grow up as the daughter of a guy who invented something that shoots a potato. It is set to be released in early 2007, with the occasion being marked by a cast party and private screening in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.

In other news, Matthew and Alexandra have also announced their intentions to continue the paralysis research funded and started by their father. Said Alexandra, "Our dad's accident really did connect us to this community: 4 million people in the U.S. who are suffering from paralysis." She then added, "Before our dad, we would often taunt the paralyzed people, tossing change at them and poking them in the legs when they weren't looking, you know, just to make sure they weren't faking it."

Baywatch Cast Reunites!

2006-11-01T18:57:00.000-05:00

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff were among a group of other television stars that you haven't heard from since 2001, celebrating the release of DVD box sets of the first two seasons of 'Baywatch'. The show began in 1989, and was cancelled after the first season because the ratings were low, people hated it, and it was just plain painful to watch. David Hasselhoff, who plays the part of Mitch Buchannon, and I like even less than Pat Buchannan, revived the show in 1991, where it got huge international acclaim, proving conclusively that the United States is the smartest nation in the world, if only by default.

David Hasselhoff became famous by starring in the series, 'Knight Rider'. If you haven't heard of it, it's probably because it sucked as well. In that series, Hasselhoff played a cop who was nearly killed by a gunshot wound to the head, only to be saved by a metal plate that had been implanted in his cranium. Never in my life have I so loathed the word 'nearly'.

Pamela Anderson signed on to Baywatch in the second season, years before her vagina got too large to fit into a normal sized swimsuit. This show began her breasts' rise to stardom, a rise that concluded when she had them removed, citing the fact that they were now more famous than she was.

Although Baywatch was truly a sad decade for America, I have a plan that will allow the Baywatch actors to redeem themselves (although Hasselhoff may be too far gone at this point). I suggest running episodes of Baywatch at suspected terrorist interrogations. One hour of this, and most will be begging us to let them leak valuable information about their groups. The videos might also make for a quick end to hostage stand-offs, bringing an end to a domestic problem that has plagued us for all too long.

It is unsure how many copies of the DVDs will be sold, but one thing is certain, doctors will be seeing an increase in brain aneurisms this Christmas season.

Bush Approves Border Fence

2006-10-26T23:43:00.000-04:00

President George Bush signed legislation into law earlier today approving 700 miles of fence along the US-Mexico border. The fence would cover about a third of the total border. This has prompted illegal immigrants to draw up a new plan for crossing the ever changing border.Immigrants feel that the new plan will be an effective tool, and feel that they have put at least as much thought, if not more, into border control than the United States has.

Unfortunately, the bill offers no way to pay for the full cost of this fence, leading some to wonder where the money will have to come from. The early estimates suggest the fence could cost more than twice the 1.2 billion dollars appropriated in the bill.

The act has not been met with complete approval, however, and has caused some friction between the United States and its neighbor to the south. Foreign Secretary Luis Ernesto Derbez said that President Vincente Fow of Mexico even thought of taking the issue to the United Nations. Fox has since ruled out the suggestion, citing the possible "international embarrassment/ass kicking" Mexico would take in the suit.

Although they have backed away from international action, Mexico has condemned the fence act, calling it "a unilateral measure that goes against the spirit of understanding that should characterize how shared problems between neighboring countries are handled and that affects cooperation in the hemisphere."

You know, Mexico is right. After all, before putting up a fence, you should have to ask the country whose people are breaking in whether or not they approve of it. In fact, the philosophy led Mexico to develop a new policy of allowing inmates to draw up the blueprints for new prisons, but then realized new prisons wouldn't be necessary, since most of their criminals are already in the United States.

New Republican Campaign Ad

2006-10-22T01:53:00.000-04:00

After the RNC released its new "stakes" ad, I was thrilled. Thrilled because people need to truly know just what kind of pansies the Democrats really are. The only objection I had is that the commercial sugarcoated the Democrats reputation on national security. It was too soft on them. Bill Clinton can't be let off the hook this easily. So, I have created my own commercial, which I am making available to the Republican National Committee free of charge. Here it is:

Now I think everyone can agree that this ad will convey the proper message. Don't be offended by the truth, just vote Republican.

Note: This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done...and thats saying quite a bit.

What Countries Are Really Doing In The UN General Assembly

2006-10-20T23:30:00.000-04:00

Being that there are now 192 nations involved in the UN, thought it would be interesting to find out what some of them really do during the meeting of the general assembly. It is through eavesdropping, tireless research, and immoral sexual favors that I have composed this list.

Bahrain- When this country isn't having little to no effect on United Nations policy, it is trading its vote to any country with more than a million people and enough time to at least smile and nod when it passes them in the hallway. To be fair, the President of the General Assembly for 2006 is from Bahrain, but then again I've never heard of her and neither have you.

Venezuela- The Venezuelans sit under the name of the "Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela", probably just so they can get a better seat in the alphabetical system. They spend most of their time photoshopping pictures in order to make it look like George Bush is kissing other men or, a personal favorite of President Chavez's, giving a wrap-around to Satan himself.

East Timor- East Timor has the lowest per capita GDP in the world, and a total of about 370 million, or about half of President Bush's Christmas Club account. This country can usually be seen playing pranks on the other nations in the General Assembly, and I hear one of their favorites is the blowgun tranquilizer dart to the throat, always a crowd favorite.

Kyrgyzstan- This country spends the biggest part of its time in the UN asking Papua New Guinea if it can borrow some vowels from its name, and swearing it will return them. Apart from that, this country can often be seen doing crossword puzzles and pretending to talk on the phone in order to make people think they are important.

If the United Nations were a giant box of strawberries, most of the countries would be the ones at the bottom, that get soft and moldy no matter how fast you eat them. With that said, I leave you with this picture of the knotted gun that stands outside the UN building in New York. It is a glorius symbol of peace, and also a great metaphor for the effectiveness of the institution itself.

Insulting Wisconsin Man Detained At Airport

2006-09-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

Ryan Bird, of Wisconsin, was detained at Milwaukee Airport Tuesday, after writing "Kip Hawley is an idiot" on his plastic, see through, terrorist-proof bag of toiletries. Airport officials detained the man for 25 minutes while trying to determine if what was written was actually a threat. This analysis took almost half an hour, proving conclusively that Ryan Bird may actually be the most clever person in Wisconsin.

The object of Bird's frustration, Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security for the TSA, Kip Hawley, has caught a lot of criticism lately, and not just about his name. The TSA has come under fire from passangers as more than 60 agents have been arrested for stealing property from suspecting passangers. TSA agents, on the other hand have fought beack with statements saying they are frustrated by low wages and by continually being called idiots.

With all the hullabaloo that this has caused, however, I for one do not see the real problem here. As one TSA screener put it so eloquently to the obviously irrational Bird "You can't right things like that." I couldn't have said it better myself. There is simply no reason why first amendment rights should extend inside the airport screening area. Why doesn't Bird just fly over to Pakistan, brush out Bin Laden's beard, and give him a hot stone massage, complete with happy ending? Jihad has never felt so good.

Ways To End Your Marriage

2006-09-23T11:29:00.000-04:00

With the divorce rate as it is, you might think that people have a pretty good handle on ways to get out of marriages. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. So for the benefit of the people who may otherwise kill, mutilate, and/or drop kick their spouses in the face, I have come up with my top 5 easy, non-violent ways to make your way back to single-town, population: Rosie O'Donnel.

3.) Steal half your spouses stuff- Confrontations can often get messy, and since both of you hate each other, and probably yourselves, the best way to end this is to simply take half of everything and leave. This one works great for couples who can barely stand to look at each other anymore. Oh, and nothing quite send a message like cutting that 5th place mat her late grandmother embroidered right in half.

2.) Pretend to be gay- This one is hard, because you may have to do a little acting. Start by wearing that bathrobe untied in the front, and waiting outside the door for the mailman. Drop little subtle hints, and make sure that your clothing always matches. And stop being a slob, because then no one will buy your act. This technique only works for men, because being a lesbian only makes men more attracted to you.

1.) Buy your partner a Chia Pet- This method is perhaps one of the most effective in obtaining that coveted divorce. If you were under the impression that it is the thought that counts when considering gifts for your spouse, try bringing home one of these beauties. In fact, studies have shown that divorce rates are as high as 90% in households containing at least one Chia pet and/or other Chia related products. The best part about this plan is that if you are Catholic, just bring in the offending pet/head and the Priest won't think twice about signing those annulment papers.

With these suggestions, I suspect that spousal murder rates will decline sharply, at least among both the people who will read this. So think before you go crazy with murder, because quite frankly, you probably aren't smart enough to do it without getting caught anyway. And at about $20 a piece for assorted Chia items, you can't afford not to end your marriage. Di-Di-Di-Divorce!

News Round-Up

2006-09-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

It Takes One To Know One
Cherie Blair, the wife of British PM Tony Blair, only pretended to slap 17 year-old Miles Gandolfi after he held two fingers up behind her head during a photograph. The faux slap came after Blair allegedly referred to Gandolfi jokingly as, cheeky. Gandolfi then responded, "I'm not the only one", as he pinched the lawyers gigantic jowls.

Bounty Hunter Lands In Doghouse
The reality-television bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman was required to wear a monitoring "collar" until his extradition hearing to Mexico. The star was arrested after helping with the apprehension of Andrew Luster, the heir to the Max Factor cosmetic company. During the hearing in which Dog was ordered to wear the monitor, fans held signs and cheered outside the courtroom. While the authorities officially have their Luster back, Dog has seemingly lost none of his.

Spinach Contaminated, Children Celebrate
Jubilation rang through the streets of the nation as kids everwhere celebrated the news that tainted spinach had been pulled off shelves all over the country. Many saw the announcement last week as a major victory in the war against healthy food, a war that has been fought by the children since "we first learned how to spit", a spokesperson for the group, said. Little Johnny Waterhall also added, "If we didn't demonstrate, it would send a message to our parents that America's children are weak."

Single Handedly Boost Your Income!

2006-09-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

We can all use more money, and what better way to pad your wallet then getting paid to move on yourself like Patton on Sicily. That's right, if you have ever wanted to have a child or ten, only to be plagued by thoughts of "I'm too lazy, irresponsible, hideously ugly" then sperm donation is just the thing for you.

Becoming a sperm donor is not easy, and while you may have honed your ability to perfection with years of sitting in front of the television, computer screen, or older sister's bedroom, in this case, it's what's on the inside that counts. Just remember, if you get turned down because you happen to be sperm deficient, or you happen to be full of physically disabled sperm, who just can't swim very well, chances are you will never live it down, so give you're best effort the first time.

So now I say to you, go, go where every man has gone before, sometimes more than once a day, and actually get paid to do it. Be proud, you're living the American dream, and nothing can take that away, except perhaps a girlfriend, a vasectomy, or a photo of Margaret Thatcher. But enjoy it while it lasts, because who knows how long you have before your child manufacturing job falls victim to outsourcing.

Police Chief, Mayor, and Councilman Resigns Over Wife's Adult Website

2006-09-12T19:39:00.000-04:00

The resignations of Tod Ozmun, Mayor Dale Moore, and Councilman Clifford Barnard came amid controversy in Snyder, Oklahoma about nude photos posted on the internet of the police chief's wife, Doris Ozmun. Many citizens had hoped for legal action, but after a "thorough" investigation, the town council ruled that the pictures were protected by the first amendment.

While the original pictures have been removed from the internet, no doubt for the good of civilization as a whole, I managed to find this picture of Doris. From what I can tell, it is not the police chief who should have resigned, but in fact the townspeople who were looking for these sort of photos in the first place. Boy do I feel bad for that flag.

But if you think this controversy has made Tod any less accepting of his wife's activities, you would be wrong. In an interview Ozmun said "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis, it's absolutely ludicrous." I might add at the beginning of that sentence, "Much better looking people". Although he says he has spoken with his wife about her activity, he says, "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." I hope there weren't a lot of large criminals in Snyder.

In other news, the police chief in Las Vegas was promoted after nude photos of his wife surfaced on the internet.

September 11th - We Remember

2006-09-11T18:04:00.000-04:00

September 11th, 2001 was a day no one who was old enough to remember will ever forget. Five years later that day has been used to justify a war, illegal wire-taps, and other activities. I hope that today, we can sit and remember the day for what it was, a horrible terrorist attack on not only the US, but western culture as a whole. A day that broke our hearts individually, but united them again as one heart and one nation, and tore down the walls of ignorance and intolerance that we had built, for however short a time.

Today, let us not only remember the victims of that fateful day, but also the men and women who fight each and every day for the freedoms and values that we as a culture hold dear. Take a moment to reflect on what 9/11 meant to you, and to think about the victims and the soldiers. If you have time, visit the websites at the bottom of this post, and take a minute to remember the people who gave their lives, or had their lives taken. Make 9/11 a day not to promote war, but a day to promote peace, tolerance and love of one another.

September 11th Victims Memorial
Honor The Fallen

Note: Now that I am back in school, posts should start coming a lot more frequently, and I should be updating almost every day.

The Results Are In: Landis Too Manly For Cycling

2006-07-29T16:05:00.000-04:00

This week, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was branded a cheater after an anti-doping test came back positive for extraordinary amounts of the sex hormone and anabolic steroid testosterone. Landis has denied all claims of foul play, and says that the high level of testosterone is a result of his body's natural processes, making him one hell of a man. I have no evidence to back me up, but I suspect Landis must need to shave at least 4 times a day, eat red meat around the clock, and routinely buy tools just to keep his testosterone happy.

While Landis would be the first rider to lose his Tour de France title if found guilty, he is certainly not the first person to be accused of cheating. Lance Armstrong, who won 7 straight Tours, a record, was constantly under the microscope. In fact, he had to have a testicle removed just so he could qualify for competition, and even then, he was a man among boys. Obviously Landis should have considered doing the same.

With all eyes on him, and the allegations, rocking the world of cycling fans, all 12 of them, Landis has so far managed to keep his cool. But as pressure builds, I have some advice to offer the world class biker: be proud. You are the most masculine of all cyclists, a group notorious for their manly behavior and tight uniforms. Live it up, you are a hero for all those blessed with unusually high testosterone. The people who were picked on, downtrodden, and never had a chance to be normal, like this well known movie character.

USA Eliminated From World Cup

2006-06-24T19:18:00.000-04:00

After an embarrassing loss to the Czech Republic, a spirited tie with Italy, and a disappointing loss to Ghana, the US squad finished last in Group E of the 2006 World Cup. Luckily, while some nations shut down during the World Cup, soccer causes less of a stir in the United States than Janet Jackson's nipple. Occasionally, when I feel like I am the only soccer fan left in this country, I like to make a show of my support, and I take the liberty of taking an hour off from work in the middle of the day, as I was forced to do last Thursday. However, my show of national pride did not impress my soccer loathing, US hating boss, and my actions didn't go without notice. It is the nation's apathy toward the sport of soccer that has inspired me to write about what I have learned during the first round and now into the first day of eliminations, and also what I think is needed to make soccer popular in this our beloved United States.

What I Have Learned
1.) Thank God we seperated ourselves from the English- You don't have to look far to find instances of English hooligans causing a ruckus. Just last week over 200 English fans were arrested for throwing chairs and othe items at celebrating German fans. And you thought Clive Anderson was the worst thing to come out of England.

2.) I really need to take a trip to Mexico- The World Cup is known for bringing nations together, and it has inspired me to make an effort and bring myself together with a few of our friends from the South. If only all immigrants looked like this.

How To Improve Soccer In The US
1.) Bigger nets- One thing Americans hate about soccer? Not enough scoring. This could all be changed by adding some surface area to those damn nets. My conservative suggestion doubles each dimension of the net. Not enough scoring before? How about when the net is 42 feet long and 16 feet tall. Let's see you reach the crossbar now Mr. Goalkeeper.

2.) Smaller Goalies- If you think that scoring is just too difficult against these 6'+ goalkeepers, just wait until you see a midget in every net. In order to be fair to everyone, I propose a height limit of 5'. Think about the joy of horse jockeys, who have always felt themselves too short to play soccer. Now they can feel free to try out for any team they wish.

If my suggestions don't inspire a renewed desire in Americans to watch soccer, I simply don't know what will. Perhaps Janet Jackson's nipple.

(Note: Unfortunately, my blog was being a little uncooperative and not allowing me to post pictures, so I linked to one, and left out the other. If this has happened to anyone else, or you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment. Thanks, and I apologize for the inconvenience of the link.)

R. Kelly Sex Tape To Be Shown To Public

2006-06-14T08:14:00.000-04:00

Judge Vincent Gaughan announced earlier this week that, despite requests from prosecutors and defense attorneys alike, he is going to allow the public and the media to view the sex tape that allegedly shows singer R. Kelly committing lewd sex acts with a 13 year old girl. The judge cited that there was no "overarching interest" in keeping the public from viewing the tape. He said that not allowing the public to see the key piece of evidence could result in an unfair trial for Kelly. When reminded that the tape contained video of a 13 year old girl in embarrassing and sexually degrading acts, the judge replied "huh?" But imagine the joy of Chicago pedophiles, upon hearing that instead of having to work so hard to hide their child pornography collections from the authorities, the authorities were going to bring child pornography right to them...LEGALLY!

Based on the belief that a fair trial is impossible without showing complete disregard for the victim, I have another suggestion for the court. Why not have each jury member and the judge take turns urinating on the girl, who is now 21? They certainly won't be prejudice if they each have committed one of the very same acts. This is sure to create a much more fair trial. In fact, why not have a public urination? Put each member of the public in Kelly's place, let them feel the pain of the true victim. It is only fair after all.

So what does this mean for the general public? What does it mean for a 21 year old woman who most likely wants nothing more than to get on with her life? I'm not really sure, but in a city known for its corrupt judges, Gaughan has just raised the bar. So let's all rush to Chicago for a public viewing of child pornography, not to mention their 2-for-1 sale on idiots.

You Thought Your Job Was Stressful

2006-05-31T15:31:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes, we look at the amount of stress our own jobs place on us, and we feel a little overwhelmed, but I now realize that I have it easy. One person in the world that almost certainly has a more stressful job than I? The Pope. Imagine being put in charge of just over 1 Billion people. He is the most powerful boss in the world, and is expected to keep track of everyone, all without looking like a complete jerk. Not easy if you ask me.

If being the Prince of the Apostles and the Vicar of Christ isn't enough pressure to deal with, try being the infallible when it comes to questions of religion and morals. Getting a little hot under the mitre are you? It isn't easy being nearly perfect, and just imagine, if the Catholics screw up under your watch, who do you think God will be coming after.

But I suppose being the Pope isn't all bad. After, since Catholic doctrine says that the Roman Church is above all other churches, you would be the leader of the number one church in the world. On top of that, you have your own city, which is possibly the coolest thing I have ever heard of.

But if you have decided that you would some day like to be Pope, not so fast. The office is gained only through election by God. Well, either that or a group of high ranking Bishops, whichever is easier to get ahold of (God is very busy, especially on weekends). However, if this doesn't really suit you, with enough money you can always buy the position (see the Borgia family), or father illegitimate children (see Pope Paul III, Pope Alexander VI, Pope Pius IV...). But don't let this stop you, and if you are fortunate enough to become Pope, remember this advice: Nothing tells people who question your authority to shut the hell up like a leather-bound copy of the Dogmatic Constitution.

Mexico Struggles With Immigrant Problems

2006-05-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

While the immigration issue in this the horrible, unaccepting United States of ours generally gets all the attention, Mexico has its own problems. In fact, Mexico has had to institute tough anti-immigration laws in order to keep the situation under control. It is easy to see how immigration could be such a problem for a country with a net migration rate of -4.32 (CIA Factbook), but many fear things have gone too far.

Foreign born people in Mexico make up roughly half a percent, that's right .5% of the population, while in the USA the figure is around 13%. These foreigners in Mexico are not allowed to hold public office, are unable to vote, and can be permanently deported for the crime of "getting involved in politics", a crime that ranges from helping a political campaign to becoming the Governor of California.

But it is no real surprise that the Mexican people distrust Americans, with our hippies, steroids, and shoes with heels that light up. But, who wouldn't want to go to a country where the water causes irritable bowel syndrome, and the citizens sneak into the bordering country to pick fruit, fillet fish, and dig holes?

Most people agree the US is overdue for immigration reform, and perhaps we should let Mexico be our guide. First, we would have to remove Arnold Schwarzenegger from office and castrate him with a sewing needle. Next we would have to place keen eyed citizens outside all the government buildings, in order to stop would be government affectors. Lastly, we would appoint large, burly athletes who routinely use steroids to guard the border. That way they could, kick, throw, or hurl immigrants back into their own country. After all, if it's good enough for Mexico, it's good enough for...wait a minute, what the hell am I saying.

So go, enjoy Mexico and their gladiator like immigration obstacles. Trust me, the language in which they sing the National Anthem will be the least of your worries.

Water-Tight Case Against Natural Selection

2006-05-14T18:31:00.000-04:00

When you think of fish, you might think of an animal with a small brain that feeds only on instinct, and this is exactly where Darwin's theory of natural selection falls apart. If his theory was correct, this type of fish should have died out by now. How many fish are caught each year using a dead worm on the end of a thin piece of string. This form of stupidity should no longer exist after millions of years. At what point do fish realize that a worm hanging in an awkward position, squirming or dead, generally has a hook in the end of it. Did worms hang out in the water practicing their advanced yoga position at one time? I think not.

It seems pretty clear now that natural selection is a foolish theory proposed only by godless people like Charles Darwin. The work of the Devil, if I might say so myself. I mean, it is unthinkable that humans could have anything in common at all with fish. Even if, on the of chance that we happened to be an ancestor of the fish, surely none of this idiotic behavior carried over.
Obviously, we have nothing in common with these barbaric, dim-witted, water-dwelling animals.

Depressed Muslims Targeted As Potential Suicide Bombers

2006-05-08T22:41:00.000-04:00

It is quickly becoming harder and harder for extremist Muslim groups to find happy young men willing to be involved in suicide bombing. For that reason, many terrorist groups have begun searching for men with a bleaker perspective, hoping they would be more receptive to the idea of blowing themselves up in a crowded area. According to a recent gallup poll, many suicidal people felt that suicide bombing was a great way to "go out with a bang", and over 50% said that they felt that they would be more likely to be remembered after a suicide bombing as opposed to more "mundane" forms of self-destruction.

Much of the concern has come in recent times, when many Muslims with otherwise impecable suicide credentials seem to be interested in other things. In a statement released late Saturday evening, a spokesman wrote: "Many potential candidates seem to be less than overjoyed at the prospect of becoming martyrs. Instead they say that they feel a desire to 'raise a family', or, 'better themselves'. Some even said that they didn't believe women should have to be fully veiled every time they leave their house." He then added, "Just kidding about that last part."

One of the other disputes has been over the question of the 72 virgins that each Muslim is to receive upon their arrival in heaven. Many young men have expressed concern about the state of these women. One man had this to say: "Honestly, I'm not sure it is such a good thing after all, I mean, if they are still virgins now, how attractive could they really be. I don't want to end up staring at a 6 dozen Roseanne's after I kill myself."

While many remain hopeful, some say that modern Muslims may be too optimistic about life to remain fully dedicated to the Jihad. "It is unbelievable how few people are willing to put their lives on the line for just one day" said one respondant to the poll. "It is just pure selfishness."

Bumper Stickers That Say More Than You May Think

2006-05-05T21:39:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes, people see fit to use their cars as a billboard, and there are certainly no shortage of people willing to come up with inane expressions for people to load up on at $1.50 each. Like adhesive cocaine, people will put their beliefs, ideals, and laundry detergent on their bumpers for everyone to see, and here are a few that caught my eye.
Someone slaps a sticker on their 1990 Toyota Tercel that they got free on earth day from a group of pot-smoking hippies and all of a sudden they are a humanitarian. It only takes a quick glace in the window to realize that this person has little to no knowledge of Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, or even Tibet in general, but knowledge be damned, they will fight tyranny wherever they hear it exists. But keep fighting the good fight, because you, average joe, are kicking some Chinese ass, one sticker at a time.

It is a rare thing to have a thing this simple be able to so eloquently convey such a cocky message. There is no other sticker that says quite as well: I'm an egotistical jackass who happens to know how to play a guitar. Although a catchy tune may seem like a viable solution to all the violence in the world, it occurs to me that it didn't work too well for the Revolutionary War buglers. The buglers are also a shining example of what happens to people who spend all their time in the music room: they end up in the middle of the battlefield with nothing but a wind instrument for self-defense.

This is usually used as a sign on the side of school vans, but is also reported to be seen on the minivans of stuck-up parents of home-schooled children. This last sticker I find personally offensive. What the hell could I possibly be doing to the other cars on the road, that I need to be informed that this one is carrying children. Perhaps some people are thinking, "hmm, this van has children in it, perhaps I should refrain from mooning and/or lobbing a hand grenade through the window. Apparently there are people who I am unaware of who routinely misbehave so badly behind the wheel that they must be reminded of the presence of small children from time to time.

New Barbershop Proposes Lingerie For Work Wear

2006-04-30T17:57:00.000-04:00

Peter Carlino has proposed an idea for a new hair salon in New Hampshire. In his shop, the female hairstylists will wear lingerie, and the customers will be allowed to choose what their favorite stylist wears. The place would be called "Paradise Cuts", and Carlino believes it is the next step in hair.

From what I know of New Hampshire woman (I am about to make a generalization about a large group of people), this salon should probably be avoided like syphilis, which, if this idea leads anywhere near where it appears to be going, may not be far off. Judging from these pictures, if I had a choice of what my hairstylist wore, I would select a nice set of overalls, or anything else made of heavy denim and having a large coverage area.

But an underwear salon would certainly appeal to some people, because as many of us know, there is nothing quite as erotic as a half-naked woman weilding a pair of scissors and a comb. For the others, this image might bring back memories of some of your first hair-cuts, given by your mom.

But in the end, I fear that sharp objects, hot rollers, a chair with gearing mechanisms, and nudity just don't mix. Throw in an inevitable sexual harrasment lawsuit, and you have yourself a business fit for Las Vegas. I'm not sure that New Hampshire is ready for type of enterprise, and I have a feeling it will only take a few lawsuits for stylist injury, and perhaps a wrongful death suit or two, to make Peter Carlino reconsider this business idea.

The Most Discriminated Against Group In The World (Besides Every Other Group In The World)

2006-04-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

Throughout the years, there is one group that has been constantly downtrodden and treated as second class citizens. Slurs are hurled at them from every angle, "south paw" in the United States, "wacky" in Britain, no matter where they went there was no escape. Left-handed people have been discriminated against for decades, from the times when they used to have their hands tied behind their backs, to when they were forced to use a pair of right-handed scissors.

The left-handed civil rights movement has been pushed aside time after time through the centuries, giving way to other, less important causes, such as slavery, feminism, gay and lesbian equality, and animal rights. The Handedness Research Institute (HRI) has been working to try to bring lefties into the public eye, and with such prominent figures as Pat Robertson, Fidel Castro, and Albert DeSalvo (known mostly as the Boston Strangler, who was obviously protesting over left-handed discrimination) it is unclear as to why they have yet to be successful.

One of the biggest complaints that the HRI has is the lack of left-handed desks in public classrooms. On their website they state that having a room of right-handed desks sends the message "we only care about the others, you don't count." Either that or it sends the message, "my school got all their desks from the same place." Although left-handed people have suffered at the hands of righty for most of their lives, many have persevered, and went on to live very successful lives (except, of course, for Jack-the-Ripper, who couldn't handle the pressure of his left-handedness, and was forced to murder).

Fortunately for everyone, the left-handed equality movement has so far been a peaceful one. This is most likely due to the lack of left-handed weaponry available for them to use. But even with this being true, the group has by no means ruled out revolution. A spokesman said that the group will not stop until America makes some changes. He then added "you have no idea what a victory it would be to hear just one person say 'no one in their left mind'. And this is just one example of the discrimination we put up with every day.

Spanked Employee Receives 500K In Lawsuit

2006-04-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

In a lawsuit involving the "camraderie-building" exercises of an alarm company, Janet Orlando, 53, was awarded $500,000 dollars for sexual harassment and sexual battery. Alarm One Inc., an extension of the local Sigma Phi Theta fraternity, was accused of spanking Orlando when her team lost one of the games, presumably beer pong.

I find this ruling to be way out of line. I mean, these people were just having a little fun. Orlando wouldn't have lasted a day if she had worked at my first job with the Sausage Factory. If she thought spanking was bad...er...never mind. The truth is, none of this would have happened if Janet Orlando had just asked the company to put her on the do not spank list, and judging from this AP photo, the company couldn't have been far away from putting her there themselves.

But the real outrage here is not the acts that Orlando was subjected to, but the ungratefulness with which she accepted them. For absolutely nothing, Janet got the kind of action that usually costs anywhere from 50-75 dollars extra, depending on your location. Just from looking at Orlando, I'm going to go ahead and say that she hasn't seen this much sexual attention since her senior prom. I think that this judgement should be overturned by a higher court, and I should know, because I'm the mayor of this here town.

Condoms Lead To Sex, Keep Them Out Of Schools

2006-04-27T22:51:00.000-04:00

When I hear about a plan to put condoms in schools, I begin to wonder just what has happened to this country. Now for those of you who say that providing teenagers with condoms doesn't encourage sexual promiscuity, just listen to my bullet proof logic. Giving sexually depraved teens condoms is like giving someone in a fat camp a piece of steak. Now imagine wrapping that steak in a plastic bag...there is no way they can be expected to resist it.

The truth is, if we want to protect our youth, we must keep them from discovering just what sex with a condom is like. If they truly knew how great it was, there would be no stopping them. Babies would not be born to high schoolers at rates that are unprecedented in today's society. HIV protection would be at an all-time high, because kids and condoms would become inseperable. Once condoms are widely available, I fear that they will be upon us. Wild, protected sex in the streets, in cars, in bedrooms, at a moments notice.

But to you parents, I say, do not be afraid. There is still something you can do. You must talk to your teenagers about the dangers of safe sex, and let them know, that under no circumstances are they ever to have sex, at least not until you die. If there is one thing we know, it is that condom availability=more sex (for those of you checking facts and calling me a liar, I suppose I am guilty as charged). But don't worry, I'm sure your adolescent son or daughter has never even thought about sex, let alone considered engaging in it.

Finally, The Cure For Racism

2006-04-26T23:44:00.000-04:00

Most people have seen or experience racism at some time in their lives (except Italians of course, since they are superior to everyone else), but no one has proposed a clear cut solution, until now. I believe, that if we are ever to be truly equal, we must all get only one thing: a bad hair cut. If the plan works correctly, by the time someone is finished gawking at your head, chances are they will never even notice the color of your skin (unless you're Native American...people can spot a Native American from miles away).

It should be noted that I have yet to do any real research on the possible effects of this plan (I came up with it on friday night, but all the white people were bowling, the black people were dunking basketballs, the hispanic people were playing baseball, and the asians were doing math problems).

At least one Congresswoman, Cynthia McKinney, has already given my idea her full endorsement. With hair like this, not even a Klan member would notice the color of her skin. Although many people felt McKinney's hair-doo looked something like Ronald McDonald's after a long night's sleep, I think it is safe to say she is just ahead of her time.

Based on what I have written, I see no reason for states not to begin to institute mandatory hair-cuts for all citizens. There would have to be many choices to go along with the Cynthia McKinney, such as Donald Trump, Albert Einstein, and High School Vice Principal. After all, why take the time to get to know each other individually when we can simply cover our differences with laws and regulations.

Homophobia, And Other Values America Was Founded On

2006-04-25T11:14:00.000-04:00

You may get the feeling that you aren't living in the same America that the first settlers arrived in, and you would be right. Today's America is undoubtedly more tolerant, less violent, and more accepting, and according to Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, nothing could be worse. Over on their website, at www.godhatesfags.com, the group urges people to renew their prejudices, and stop incurring God's wrath.

Now with a message like this, you may think that the church has a large following, but you would be wrong. Of its less than 100 members, all but one family or so are related by blood to Phelps. For you out there who say that this must mean there has been some sort of incestuous relationships, you would be right on target. Their website states that they are against violence and killing of any kind, including abortion, and they insist that all countries make homosexuality a capital crime and impose the death penalty. Now this may seem to be inherently contradictory, but one can't rely on facts when they have gays to discriminate against.

Phelps cites the sick perversions of every homosexual relationship, placing an entire group of people into one category. After all, if we can't trust vicious, ignorant stereotypes, how will we know anything about different kinds of people. But Fred Phelps is confident in his faith, and although he is still losing his 74 year old game of "smear the queer", he remains confident. He inspires his congregation every week with the words: "America is doomed."

Bush Approval Ratings Hit New Low

2006-04-20T14:55:00.000-04:00

In the midst of a War on Terror, a stagnant economy, and a still unsuccessful game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden, the President's job approval rating dropped to just 33% this past week. Despite the numbers, Bush continues to insist he is doing a great job, and said yesterday he was even considering giving himself a promotion. "You know, sometimes I wonder why I am only the leader of the free world", Bush said, "when there is so much of the world under tyrannical and military rule that I could control."

Although the President dismissed the new ratings, Republicans are becoming concerned. Many feel that if things continue as they are going, the party may have trouble gathering support for another candidate. Some high ranking party members have started to compile a list of people they feel have what it takes to win the election, and so far, they only have one option: Jesus of Nazareth. "It's going to take a miracle", said Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlmen, "and who better to provide it." Mehlman then added, "either he or the Supreme Court."

But with all the speculation, the President can't be too happy with the ratings collected over the past weeks. The current support level places him somewhere between Timothy McVeigh, and the guy who did the voice for the giant pitcher of Kool-Aid.

With support waning for his administration, and many people calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, one can only expect that George Bush is beginning to look to the legacy that he will leave behind when he goes out of office. He will most likely be looked upon as the President who sent the nation into an ill-advised war and increased the national debt and unemployment, but still didn't sleep with a hideous intern. With all the public opinion that is working agains the President, I think there is probably only one way to save his legacy, which is why I have chosen the perfect nominee for the Republican Party: Tom Cruise.

New Posts Coming Soon

2006-04-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

I apologize to anyone who might make it a point to read my blog regularly for the infrequent posts as of late. My schedule has been quite hectic lately, and I have had very little time for writing, but I hope to have some time within the next few days. For the time being, perhaps you want to check this out:

Jerry Seinfeld on The Daily Show

This clip features two of my favorite comedians in the same place, I'm not sure it gets any better than that. This is a pretty funny exchange about superheroes, American Express commercials, and life after Seinfeld. This clip downloaded very slowly for me on YouTube, and I have a fast connection, but it might have just been peak hours or a new video.

Fox News Reports On Major Scientific Breakthrough

2006-04-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

Fox News once again proves it is always first on the scene by reporting on one of the biggest breakthroughs in the history of science. Many academics have toiled long and hard, but only recently have they come up with the formula for...the perfect booty. That's right, after years of research, and thousands of tax payer daughters, Dr. David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University has come up with the equation. He stated that he originally began searching for the formula for the perfect ass in hopes of gaining insight into why he could never seem to get any, but since then it has become purely a scientific endeavor, and he feels that this is information that is too important to keep to himself.

The field of "tushology" has been neglected for a lot of years, as evidenced by a google search in which the term turns up 3 results from 2 websites. But the good doctor has a point, after all, if we don't know what the perfect derriere consists of, then what chance do we have of being self concious about it our entire lives.

The formula that Dr. Holmes devised contains 6 variables, 5 of which are based on a scale of 1-20. These include bounciness, firmness, skin texture, circularity, and overall shape. Let's compare these two butts for instance. The first is awarded a score of about 5o or so, with the perfect score being somewhere in the neighborhood of 80. The second gets a score of -12, with extra 12 points off because the booty belongs to Roseanne.

Well there you have it, the run down on the latest scientific breakthrough. Unfortunately for America, the formula was discovered in Britain, and now adds to the pile of evidence supporting the theory that the US is falling behind in the scientific community. Several big name figures, including the science advisor to President Bush, have stated that this can only be seen as a great defeat for the American people, but a great victory for all those who love a good posterior.

Academics Develop Formula For Perfect Butt
I'm not making this up.

Porn Stars Shave To Support "No More Bush" Campaign

2006-04-10T23:52:00.000-04:00

Porn stars are perhaps the last people you might think would be making a political statement, but they have, choosing to shave their nether regions as a sign of their wanting George W. Bush out of office. If anyone was wondering what it would take for the stars of arguably the most morally bankrupt industry to make a statement judging someone's morals, you now know. As Angel Cassidy, the spokes-whore for the group put it, "Sometimes your voice doesn't get enough attention, but nudity seems to do the trick." Cassidy is shown here proudly displying her contribution to the political system.

The stars claim to speak for nearly the entire adult industry, saying that most everyone wants Bush out due to his efforts to crack down on pornography. Said Cassidy "There are better things in the world he should be worried about, like trying to get some of those Islamic sex slaves over here, that interracial girl-on-girl stuff is huge right now."

The Bush administration has chosen not to answer questions about the demonstration, but the President has showed some responsiveness to the protests, and has called a private meeting this friday in the Oval Office with all 8 porn stars involved.

Evolution Of The Modern President

2006-04-06T23:07:00.000-04:00

A recent discovery in rural Pennsylvania has led a team of archaeologists to draft the above sketch of the evolution of the modern president. The team uncovered the remains of what they call a "missing link" between the era of common sense, and the era of outright stupidity. The remains date back to the early 1900's, directly before the Presidency of Woodrow Wilson. Scientists describe this find as a huge piece of the puzzle, and they feel it gives them a much better idea of where it all "fell apart." A spokesman commented that "Before this discovery, there was a serious lack of transitional evidence. To many people, it seemed like we had gone directly from winning the Spanish-American War and establishing gold as the standard for paper money, to a President who can't even pronounce the word "nuclear." I feel this just reaffirms what has been taught in civics classes for the last 50 years.

The find comes during the peak of intense debates that pit the evolutionary political scientists against the so-called "intelligent president" theorists. Proponents of the intelligent president hypothesis state that this model can't account for all of the cases that we see today, and many point to an "irreducible simplicity" in the minds of many of today's presidents. They urge schools to teach the controversy, pointing to the Clinton sex-scandal, the Watergate scandal, and Lyndon Johnson. Scientists continue to assert that there is no controversy, saying there is absolutely no evidence to support the intelligent president theory.

Intelligence Failure Lands Doyle In Jail

2006-04-05T17:52:00.000-04:00

Brian Doyle, deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested Tuesday on charges of using a computer to seduce a minor and transmission of harmful material to a minor. He was caught when he struck up a sexually explicit conversation with a detective that he believed at the time to be a 14 year old girl. Doyle was apprehended in his home in Maryland, and confessed in his interviews with the police. He said that according to the intelligence reports that he had at the time, he believed that he was communicating with an actual 14 years old girl.

Doyle had sent the "girl" pictures of himself, and told her that he would send nude pictures once he received the same from her. The detective who was comunicating with Doyle described this as just one more sign that the youth of our country is becoming corrupted. "If seeing pictures of this man naked was supposed to be an incentive, then our children may have developed worse taste than we ever imagined", the detective said. "Just reading his responses tested my ability to suppress intense feelings of nausea and disgust."

2007 NCAA Final Four Suggestions

2006-04-04T11:13:00.000-04:00

After 4 of the best rounds the NCAA Division I basketball tournament has ever seen, the final four was highly anticipated. Unfortunately for fans, who paid big money to get tickets a year in advance, the last 3 games were about as competitive as the high jump in the special olympics. Unless you were from Florida, you were most certainly disappointed, as you were forced to watch 3 games that were seperated by a total of 45 points (the four games in the round of 8 were seperated by a total of 30 points). I think that the NCAA has an obligation to its fans to provide some sort of extra entertainment for the people that have waited an entire year to watch the games, and that is why I have formulated a few sugesstions.

1.) Naked Fire Juggling- If there is one way that I know of to make a great spectator sport, it is to combine nudity with fire. Perhaps during half-time, the NCAA could hire a man to juggle naked for awhile, and if all goes well, the fans will get to see someone burst into flames. Of course, the man would be sprayed with some highly flammable substance beforehand, just to make things more interesting. Take this man, for instance. Had he been doing this naked, there may have actually been some people there watching.

2.) Cheerleader Mud Wrestling- If juggling really hot sticks is a little too tame for you, then this should be right down your alley. I suggest that directly following the fire juggling, the cheerleaders from both schools should compete in a no holds barred mud wrestling competition at center court. The contest could consist of either one-on-one match-ups, or a full team free-for-all. In the interest of time, the male cheerleaders would not be allowed to compete.

Well, I'd say I've made some fantastic, thought-provoking suggestions for the NCAA Tournament Committee to consider next year. If they know what's good for them, they will certainly put my ideas into practice.

New ADD Medication

2006-03-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure of the exact statistics, but I think that of the people in the United States, about 95% have been diagnosed with ADD. Now most doctors simply prescribe drugs as a way of controlling and tranquilizing anyone who happens to show signs of energy or creativity. This is probably a good idea, because energy and creativity are two of the most dangerous problems facing our society today, right up there with people urinating on electric fences.

Despite the effectiveness of these drugs in making sure children show no signs of life, i believe that there may be a better way. That is why I would like to introduce my newest invention: the ADD yard stick. It is made of spruce, a wood known for its high strength-to-weight ratio, and can really pack a wallop. The stick comes in packages of 6 or 12, since it usually doesn't last past one use, although for children with milder ADD, a swift rap on the knuckles is usually enough of a reminder to quiet them down.

Now I know you're thinking "That's a great idea, but what if my child or student has ADHD?" In the case of a child with this disorder, often the yard stick will not be enough to quiet them down. For these circumstances I have also developed the ADHD lead pipe. You'll feel like Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory as you bludgeon children with this wonderful educational tool. It's never too early to put a stop to ADD or ADHD behavior, and at only 19.99+S/H, you can't afford not to buy this terrific set. It makes a great gift, and remember, creative kids are the biggest threat we have to a docile and lazy society.

My Solution To The Illegal Immigrant Problem

2006-03-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

I would like to take a break from my normally foolish posts to write about something that has been in the news a lot lately: the immigration debate. The big question is whether or not we should let people who are already here illegally earn legal status. Currently there are about 11 million illegal immigrants in our country, many of whom are simply looking for the peace of mind that only picking fruit and earning low wages can provide. So I say, let them gain their legal status, but perhaps we should find something for them to do in the mean time. This idea is the crux of my post. I vote for a simple solution, one that will allow the immigrants to earn their legality, and I do mean earn it. I say that for 6 years, illegal immigrants should have to spend 8 hours per day working on human hamster wheels.

That's right, I said human hamster wheels. Now, this may sound a bit far-fetched, but imagine the possibilities. We could hook the wheels up to small generators and provide power for so many people. We would cut energy costs by a tremendous amount, in a time where energy is certainly at a premium. This program would also serve as a deterant to other immigrants who might be thinking about coming to the US. Note the picture on the right. This is a man that in a couple of weeks will be scrambling to get back across the border, or at the very least back to his job as a Wal-Mart janitor.

New HIV Drug Shows Promise

2006-03-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

Gilead Sciences Inc. has recently begun testing a drug that could give new hope to people who frequently engage in promiscuous and unprotected sex. The two new pills, Viread and Truvada, will cost $417 and $650 per month, respectively. Like any good drug, the pills will be far to expensive for the average person to buy, let alone the ones who often are most at risk. Even so, many people are excited about the drug, feeling that it could bring back the spirit, and most importantly the wanton sex, of the 60's and 70's.

In a time where people don't always have safe sex, it is important to come up with drugs that will allow them to experiment as they please, without all that pesky responsibility. Gone are the 90's, when Condoman showed us all the importance of wearing our own skin-tight uniform whenever we decided to have sex. This poster effectively debunked the myth that AIDS was only a "white-man's disease", while depicting a superhero in a condom-like suit. Although many hate to see these more traditional values be pushed aside, others feel that these drugs could be just the thing they are looking for. A hotel manager said of the drugs in an interview "As much as I want to make the right choices all of the time, that's not the reality of it." The fact is, people simply don't have the time or the ability to make decisions for themselves anymore, and with no role models like Condoman for young people to look up to, the problem would only get worse were it not for the drug industry.

Despite all the skepticism, the National Association for the Betterment of Prostitutes (NABP) has given their full endorsement to the new drugs. A spokeswhore for the group said that the drug has the potential to increase the life expectancy of prostitutes everywhere. If the drug companies play their cards right, these new drugs could replace crack cocaine for the average harlot. The first three shipments of the drugs are scheduled to go to Las Vegas, Africa, and San Francisco.

United States Setting Extraterrestrial Life Standards Too High?

2006-03-17T13:15:00.000-05:00

Many people claim to have seen all sorts of alien crafts or alien beings, and some even say that they have been taken aboard the ships and examined, but to this day, the US has not encountered any of these beings in their own habitat. What is the reason for this you ask? Perhaps we are setting our standards too high. Whenever aliens come to earth they always seem to land in places like Alabama, New Mexico or Oklahoma. They also always tend to meet someone who possesses one or more of the following characteristics: straw hat, less than a full set of teeth, a significant underbite, and a 12 gauge shotgun in 3 or more rooms of their house.

After a brief introduction, the aliens generally take their test subject up to the space craft for examination and complimentary anal probe. The subject is almost always nude during this process, which really speaks volumes about aliens, because as humans, these are some of the last people that the general public would like to see naked. After this process is completed, the aliens plant a microchip in the subject, make an incomprehensible pattern in his crops, and off they go, never to be seen again. Aliens are obviously not trying to hard to conceal themselves from us, which makes me wonder why we have yet to be able to find them.

You might think that with all the space probes and such that we send out, we would have encountered something by now, but that is not the case. Aliens are very good hiders, or they are constantly out exploring other planets, and when you look at who they tend to find here, it's really not such a surprise that they don't seem to want to be found by us.

I for one, would like to recommend more space searches for extra terrestrial life. I know that there are some of you who will say that aliens don't exist, but I for one will have to disagree. They are out there, but perhaps we are setting too high of standards for ourselves. We are spending all our time searching for intelligent life, and the aliens are perfectly content with these people:

30.5% Of Americans Agree That Obesity Standards Are Too Strict

2006-03-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

With the obesity rate in the US rising sharply, many people are looking for ways to "cut the fat", and slim down in time to avoid massive cardiac arrest causes by almost complete artery blockage. Although we would like to think that America can regain control of its weight and perhaps begin to live a healthy life, experts say that it is unlikely to happen, citing years and years of rising obesity rates and fat jokes. For that reason, I feel that it is time we lower the standards for fatness in our society.

Currently, around 30 and 1/2 percent of people in the United States are considered obese, and another 34 percent are considered overweight. Raising the standards would make people feel better about themselves, and also relieve the pressure of having to worry about things like proper nutrition and exercise. On the right is a group of people who under today's standards would be considered obese and probably quite unhealthy. The looks on the faces of these people can only be described as despair. They represent a large portion of Americans who are picked on daily and treated as second class citizens. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to walk down the street in pastel-colored one-piece leotards because the big and tall clothing store didn't have anything in your size.

The current standards state that anyone with a body mass index (BMI) of 25 or higher is overweight, and anyone with a BMI of over 30 is obese (go here to calculate your BMI). BMI takes into account height and weight, which means people who are very short may not get accurate readings. For instance, the person seen in the photo in the green leotard has a BMI of just about 100. Under my new standards, the 2 men on the left would have their condition upgraded from "obese" to "slightly overweight", a level that many large people find much easier to come to terms with.

The fact is, many obese people simply give up on diet an exercise, instead resorting to claims that they are "big-boned" or that they have "bad genes." My new levels would increase self confidence and most importantly, show those skinny, arrogant scientists that they will no longer be allowed to treat large people as though they have a problem. The United States needs to do something to solve the obesity epidemic, and diet and exercise is overrated.

Married? Looking For Love? You've Come To The Right Place

2006-03-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

I was recently checking my e-mail and thinking, "You know, I wish there was some married woman I could have sex with", when I came across this message: $preAd EagLE - MaRrieD AnD H()RnY. I couldn't believe it! I thought it was probably too good to be true, but clicked on the link anyway. What I found was the Ashley Madison Foundation. Now the word "foundation" may make you think that it was started in the memory of some very promiscuos cancer patient, but don't let that fool you, this definately isn't your father's online affair service.

The new age Ashley Madison Foundation offers a service "For women seeking romantic affairs-and the men who want to fulfill them". The site also has the clever little catchphrase "When monogamy becomes monotony" and boasts over 825,000 members (pun intended). If you still aren't convinced that this is the kind of service you need, simply check the bottom right corner where you will find the popular "as seen on TV" logo. That's right, the Ashley Madison Foundation is in the same company as the Scunci Steamer and Urine Gone!

So if you have ever been interested in having an affair, there is no time like the present, and the Ashley Madison Foundation is there to help you all the way. Now get out there and slut it up, you're too good looking to be faithful!

The Easiest Way To Ruin A Child's Social Life

2006-03-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

Do you often think to yourself, "I'm not sure I'm doing everything I can do to destroy any and all of my child's social relations". If you do, you are certainly not alone. Is your child constantly begging to stay out later and later each night? Is he or she beginning to show an interest in members of the opposite sex? Perhaps your son or daughter has decided that they would like to play sports? If your child is exhibiting any of these symptoms, there is a chance he or she is beginning to experience a rising self-esteem. What should you do about this, you ask? Read on.

If there is any chance your child may be piecing together a normal social life, the best thing to do is begin home-schooling right away. The longer you wait, the more chance there is that your child will grow up normal without an unhealthy attachment to his or her mother. Not to mention, keeping your child seperated from their peers for the entire school day has proven to be an effective method of lowering self-esteem in more than 98% of clinical studies.

Now look at this first picture, this shows a group of children in a public school interacting with each other. Make special note of the smiles on the faces of this group of children. This is exactly what you want to avoid. Smiling is a sign of happiness, and happiness can only lead to wanting to spend more time with each other. It is best to have your child avoid these types of situations, and to be safe, it is in good judgement to stay away from areas like parks and playgrounds, common breeding grounds for social interaction.

Now let us examine a second photograph. This is of a child who was pulled out of school at a fairly early age. This is proof that if caught early, rising self-esteem can be dealt with and the chances of lifelong trauma for the child are still very good. Notice the empty look in the child's eyes. This is the look that you ideally would like to see all children with. Remember, if there is any social contact at all, there is a chance your child may be exposed to drugs, sex, or even naughty words. We understand that the thought of your child having to function on their own for even part of the day may be scary, but know that it doesn't have to happen to you.

You may be concerned that you do not have the knowledge, the organization skills, or the ability to properly home-school your child. Do not fear, this is merely secondary to the fact that your child will be able to grow up without setting foot inside a normal classroom with other students. Think of some of the people who went to public school, and then ended up being involved in violent acts: John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dick Cheney, and the list goes on. Don't think it can't happen to your child, start home-schooling today!

President Bush Expresses Frustration Over Boggle Loss

2006-02-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

In a statement released by the White House monday morning, George W. Bush said that he was "moderately upset" about his loss to his daughter Jenna in a game of Boggle Saturday night. The game began after an altercation between Bush and his daughter, who wanted to go out for the night, but the President refused to allow her. "I told her if she could beat me in Boggle, she could go out, but I never expected her to win", George W. said. A popular word game, Boggle pits two opponents against each other as they try to make words from scrambled letters. When asked about the game, the President said, "I simply misunderestimated her word finding ability, you wouldn't believe how many words longer than 4 letters that girl knows". The First Lady then added, "We're not quite sure where she gets it from."

During the game, Jenna Bush said the she never had any doubt she would win even though she was "mildly intoxicated" before the game began. At one point in the match, the Bush twin caught her father cheating, but she said it was too little too late. "It turns out he had a microphone in his ear, and Karl Rove was giving him words", Jenna reported.

While the President was upset at the loss he maintains that he is still optimistic, and says he is "making great progress". In conclusion, as Jenna was leaving the White House, he remarked, "I wouldn't be surprised if she finds a pile of naked war prisoners in her room when she comes home".

Affordable Vacation Spots For Your Next Family Trip

2006-02-26T20:02:00.000-05:00

Have you been dying to take a vacation with the family, but just didn't feel like you could afford to travel? Well do I have news for you. I have put together a list of a few of the most affordable places in the world to visit, places that even families on the tightest of budgets can afford to go to.

1.) Mexico- With a currency exchange rate of about 10.5 pesos/dollar, nothing in Mexico should cost you more than a few dollars. Their currency is basically worthless, so if you can manage to sneak a few small farm animals over the border, those should be enough to pay for the entire trip.

2.) Sudan- Now it may be a little farther away than you think you can afford but once you see the exchange rate, you'll realize why you came. Trade in your dollar and get 127 Sudanese Dinars! That should be enough to buy some nice souvenirs for the family back home, or you could just steal an authentic dung brick from the house of one of the natives.

3.) Haiti- The poorest country in the western hemisphere, Haiti is a perfect choice for that low budget vacation. Don't count on being the most liked person there, however, as the US put a stop to most of the aid it was giving Haiti after some suspect elections in 2000. Even so, it is definately a must visit, and if you are lucky you might get to see a real live rebellion.

Well, there you have it, 3 of the most affordable vacation destinations just in time for you to start planning that summer trip. Be sure to send me a postcard.

Lowering The Cost Of Execution, One Beheading At A Time

2006-02-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been sitting in your living room watching the news when a reporter comes on to tell you about the imminent execution of some mass murderer. Without a doubt, someone in the room will say, "They shouldn't be allowed to put people to death, you shouldn't be allowed to kill another human being." If you are like me then you must have thought, "There has to be a better way." Well now there is. I think that it is about time to bring back the guillotine, that friendly instrument of death, popularized by Robespierre during the French Revolution.

One of the biggest problems with lethal injection is the cost. For a site to get started with lethal injections, they would have to shell out over $100,000 dollars for the equipment! After that the drugs only cost about $86 dollars per execution, which may seem like a bargain, but wait until you see the cost efficiency that is the guillotine.

How much would it cost to behead someone with a guillotine, you ask? Nothing! Aside from some alcohol and oil to keep the machine well maintained, executions would be totally free! And have you ever had to sit through a lethal injection? Boooorrring! People would be lining up to watch heads roll at our public decapitations. In fact, we could make a profit on our executions just by selling tickets to see the punishment of societies worst menaces. Imagine the thrill of taking your children to the beheading of Saddam Hussein. As an added bonus, anyone caught scalping tickets before the execution would be beaten in front of the audience as an opening act.

Not only are guillotines practical and painless (or so I'm told) they are also very artistic. There are numerous kits you can buy to build your own model guillotine, I don't see anyone jumping to put together their own lethal injection room, complete with criminal and intravenous system. I think this is by far the best way to lower cost of executions. In fact, Texas has already signed on to my plan, and is hoping to hold its first public beheading next month. This could be the next big thing in capital punishment. I mean, it's not like strapping someone to a table and putting them to death is cruel and unusual, right?

Study Shows Ugly People More Likely To Commit Crimes

2006-02-21T13:07:00.000-05:00

An article in the Washington Post last Saturday says that people who are ugly commit more crimes than average looking people, and furthermore, good looking people commit fewer crimes than people who are merely average looking. The researchers in this study, Dr. Erdal Tekin and Dr. Naci Mokan, also denounced the popular quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". The test was done by ranking criminals and non-criminals on a sliding scale that went from "extremely attractive" to "Shane McGowan." For the purpose of objective analysis, I have decided to show some pictures of convicted criminals as well as non-criminals, in order to see how my results stack up to those of respected researchers.

On the left is Richard Goldberg, who, if he had any friends, would be known as Dick. Dick is on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for committing several sex acts with girls under 10 years old, and taking pictures of the acts. On the right it Miss USA 2005 Chelsea Cooley, who has chosen not to force herself on young children, but if she did, those would be some of the luckiest children on ear th.

To the left stands Augustine Breceda, who was convicted of several robberies and is a 6 time felon. He is currently serving a 216 year prison sentence, but on the bright side, he'll never have to worry about being sexually assaulted while he is in the pen. On the right is Sarah Michelle Gellar, arguably one of the most beautiful actresses in the world. She is not a felon, and also lacks ears the size of a small elephant's.

Well, there you have it, a completely unbiased, objective study in which I feel I sufficiently proved that ugliness is the most important factor in determining whether or not a person is going to end up in jail. From this study, I feel that we now have the information needed to take crime detection to a whole new level. Imagine the increase in safety of the American people when, instead of simply waiting for an ugly person to commit a crime, we throw them in jail before it happens. I like to call it, "preemptive incarceration", and I think it is without a doubt the next step in crime fighting. I have my eyes on you Mr. Cheney.

Some Ducks Have All The Luck

2006-02-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

I was recently flipping through the pages of my Guiness Book of World Records, as I am wont to do, when a rather peculiar record caught my eye. The record is officially called the "Largest Avian Reproductive Organ", but it does just as well to say, "Biggest Bird Penis In The History Of Modern Civilization." The record belongs to the Argentinian Lake Duck, who is seen here gazing arrogantly at his gigantic member. That's right, that is his penis, and he is staring at it, but hey, who can blame him. The penis itself is almost 17 inches long when unwound, and retracts into his body when not "in use." I'm not sure who's job it was to uncoil the penis in order to get an accurate measurement, but I assume there was a lot of mocking that went on after the act had been completed.

The bird itself is only about 17 inches long, which means that he has a sex organ about as tall as he is. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but I think it's safe to say that if I had a penis that was almost 6 feet long, I'd probably stare at it for a while myself.

Now if you are like me, you are probably thinking "what about the female bird, where does she fit in all this?" Well, the answer is, we're not really sure. Scientists know very little about how these animals reproduce, presumably because they were too busy staring at the duck's penis to notice. So if you ever wondered what it would be like to have your manhood be the size of your small intestine, look to the Argentinian Lake Duck, for he is living a dream, a dream of virility, of masculinity, and of having a penis long enough to bungee jump with.

New Idea For A Valuable Resource

2006-02-18T17:55:00.000-05:00

I was driving down the highway the other day when from out of nowhere, the car beside me, which I was in the process of passing, began to change lanes. I had to slam on my brakes in order to avoid being run off the road by this nut. The person then proceeded to go about 55 miles per hour in the middle lane on a 65 mile per hour highway. I switched to the next lane over and passed the car, glancing over as I went by, hoping for the chance to give the driver a good glare as I drove by. As I gazed into the window, I realized that all I could see was curly white hair and a set of glasses. This geriatric could barely see over the dashboard, so it was no surprise to me that she nearly sideswiped me while she was driving.

That incident got me to wondering if there was anything that we could do about the sudden increase in the elderly population. As people are living longer, people like these are becoming more and more of a problem. Luckily, I have come up with a solution: the barter system. We used to trade chickens and other items to get what we want, why not do the same with old people. There are plenty of countries that could use the increased life expectancy that our old people could provide. Greater life expectancy makes a country look better and more developed, so I have compiled a list of the top 5 countries that I think could really use this system. Note that these countries all happen to be in Africa, where life expectancy as a whole is at the lowest.

5.) Rwanda (Life Expectancy=39.34 years) - This country is a prime candidate for old people trade, and unless you count the the wars, the insurgency, and the intolerance to dissent then it is also a great place to live. The only reason this country is ranked this low is that it is already the most densely populated country in Africa.

4.) Zimbabwe (Life Expectancy=37.38 years) - Here is a country where your biggest worry is bacterial diarrhea...or the oppresive nature of Prime Minister Mugabe and his regime, I'm not sure which is worse. In either case, this country could certainly use the moral boost that can only come from raising your life expectancy with premium United States old people.

3.) Swaziland (Life Expectancy=40.44 years) - Swaziland's claim to fame? They boast the highest rate of HIV in the world, at 38.8%, but that won't deter our old people, as we can only hope that they will not be having sex any time soon.

2.) Republic of Angola (Life Expectancy=38.31 years) - This country is bound to quickly become a favorite of the traded elderly. With its tropical climate it is a lot like Florida...except for all the rebuilding in the aftermath of a 27 year civil war.

1.) Zambia (Life Expectancy=37.24 years) - Coming in at number 1, Zambia has the lowest life expectancy in the world, and are the ones that would benefit most from this wonderful program. The biggest fear here would have to be typhoid fever from inadequate water treatment, but what do our elderly people have to worry about, they are already well above the average age.

I have spent minutes thinking of this new program, and I feel it is the best way to deal with our drastically increasing elderly population. It's a win-win situation, our country saves millions of dollars on medicare, social security, and arm rests on public toilets, and developing countries get to boast about their skyrocketing life expectancies. I am awaiting a call from Washington.

The Golden Gate Bridge: Landmark or Death Trap?

2006-02-17T16:12:00.000-05:00

The Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most recognizable pieces of architecture in San Francisco. Some call it breathtaking, some beautiful, but another group has been calling it a hazard. These are the people in favor of putting up a suicide barrier. What would cause a group of people to want to sully the appearance of this otherwise beautiful bridge you ask? As it turns out, the Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most popular suicide sites in the world, with over 1,200 people jumping to their deaths since the bridge opened in 1937. With so many people killing themselves on this bridge, why has the city been so determined not to put up barriers? It has been proposed 7 times, and still nothing has been done. Many people feel that it would cost too much money, and others think that if people couldn't commit suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge, they would simply go someplace else. Eve Meyer disagrees, and in an associated press story she said "When suicide becomes difficult, people do not switch to another method. They tend to get help." This seems like very sound logic, drawing on the fact that people who give up on life easily, will most likely give up on suicide pretty easily as well. Suicide barriers also offer people who are determined to kill themselves one last chance to find something they are not good at: climbing. Imagine being all ready to kill yourself, parking your car, and making the walk out onto the bridge only to find out that you have vastly insufficient upper body strength. Here's an idea: take the money you would have used to put up a suicide barrier and instead put it into your economy! San Francisco's unemployment rate is above the national average, and it is one of the most expensive cities in the nation to live in, not to mention the gargantuan cost of healthcare in the area. Oh, and I almost forgot, ENOUGH with the streetcars! No one cares about those things. You know what I like about buses? NO RAILS! And don't even get me started on cable cars. With so much going on in San Francisco, it's no wonder why so many people are taking any chance they can get to hurl themselves off the Golden Gate Bridge. If I lived in the Bay Area, I think I would jump off the bridge out of pure spite.

Spousal Spy Gear

2006-02-11T14:23:00.000-05:00

Do you suspect your spouse, significant other, or object of your affection of not checking with you every time they make a decision? Are you tired of having that pesky trust discussion every time they catch you spying on them from behind the mailbox on the street corner, or listening on the upstairs phone while they have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex? Let's face it, there is no room for trust in today's relationships. If you are concerned that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn't telling you every minor detail about their life, chances are they are probably cheating on you. Luckily, now you'll never have to worry, because you can stalk your partner from the comfort of your own home with these spy tools. First we have the WorldTRAK GPS, shown here fitting in the palm of your hand, just like your spouse will be when you tell them that you know that they stopped at Bed Bath and Beyond on their way home from work. But if just knowing where your partner is isn't enough, now you can hear their conversations with this watch recorder. Disguise it as a generous gift and they will never see it coming. Pick up every detail of that meeting with upper management, or that meeting with the sexy cashier from the supermarket. Finally, do you suspect that your spouse is spying on you? Now you can be sure with this Micro Bug Detector, which detects audio and video bugs from up to 5 meters away! Imagine the peace of mind you will have knowing that someone isn't listening in on your $0.99 a minute call to your favorite phone sex hotline. With technological advances happening all the time, it is important that you stay one step ahead of the game, and with a list price of right around $280, you can't afford not to buy this detector. Trust now comes in electronic form, don't let this movement leave you behind, get your spousal spy equipment today!

Fashion Week

2006-02-11T11:19:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s fashion week in New York City, and that means throngs of celebrities, lavish parties, and lots of reporters all hoping to catch a glimpse of the catwalk as designers parade out some of the most objectionable ensembles of the fall season. For instance, nothing says, “I have way too much money” quite as well as this little number on the right from Anna Sui. This one in particular happens to look like it was sewn together by someone with a fairly advanced case of Parkinson's disease. If that is a little too bourgeois for you, however, you can always try the outfit on the left designed by Daniel Vosovic. Vosovic is a new designer who was featured on a reality show called "Project Runway". He says that this outfit was inspired by the orchid, and I think it is safe to say, it takes pompous to a whole new level. Of course, arrogance in the fashion community is pretty much expected, as shown in a phone interview with Vosovic, in which he said "I say, if you can sleep comfortably in it, I don't want to see it on the street." This is a pretty pontifical statement, considering he is seen here standing next to a woman with the worst case of bed hair I have ever seen. How many times have you thought, "I would love to be a fashion designer" only to be plagued with doubts, "but I have no sense of style, I have no talent!" If this week can teach us anything, it is that you can be whatever you want to be, and the future has never looked so bright for blind fashion designers.